Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

FOR A GOOD LAUGH......This is for the over 50 generation:

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

[Teresa Heilevang]

I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Ohio River this morning about 8:20.  As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.

[sledgemeister]

I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Ohio River this morning about 8:20.  As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.

:-)

Guaranteed to offend some one........
Earlier on today I saw an African kid eating grass by the side of the road.
I stopped & said, "don't eat that, come to my place with me".

The child replied, " I have three brothers & a sister, can they come too"?

I replied, "don't be stupid, I've only got a small lawn".
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Two black fellas see a sign saying, "Make yourself white, $10".

"Lets do it", says Murray.

"All we have is a $20 note though". Says Albert.

"Right, you go first Albert, & when you get the change, I'll go in".

So Albert heads off & comes back two minutes later, all nice & white.
 
"Wow look at you mate, all flash looking eh! Give me the other tenner then".

Albert says, "get stuffed you black prick".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.

The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?
Apparently, the answer is Fiji.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was at Hungry Jacks this morning, & two Muslim woman,
wearing the brightest head to toe robes I've ever seen, came in.

Apparently, the burkas are better at Hungry Jacks.

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A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick prick".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I walked past an abo sitting on the ground this arvo, & he said,
"Any change mate"?

I said no, you're still a useless black bastard.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My teenage son just told me he shagged the neighbours daughter
for the first time last night.

"Well done Son", I said, "I hope you used something for personal protection".

"Yeah Dad, a balaclava".
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I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.

I only asked for a bomber jacket.

Touchy bastards.
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I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard meal deal tonight.

2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.
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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "f..k me".
What happened next will haunt me forever

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there,the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy’s naked body,the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she became conscious, the guy asked, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?”
The girl said, “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long.”

 

[TAB]

Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.


"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.


That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.


"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"

[Sponsor]

[FSBARAK]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66 years old). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -- green,
red, orange and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would
find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough,
she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was wondering if you
were my daughter."

[red364]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.  Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:


 

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

































Answer:
 
Don't look down!!!!!

[PegLeg45]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

 
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

   1. Buying a stronger whip. 

  2. Changing riders.

  3. Threatening the horse with termination.

  4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

  5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

  6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

  7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

  8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

  9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Bill Stryker]

A friend of mine who was in Iraq for two years just started his own business.... He's manufacturing land-mines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing really well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[Bill Stryker]

Four Married Guys Go Fishing

 

Four married guys go fishing and after about an hour they start talking about what it took to get out of the house.

 

The first guy says: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

The second guy says: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

 

The third guy says: "Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

 

As they continue to fish, they realize the fourth guy has not said a word about it.

 

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" said one of the fishermen.

 

The fourth guy says: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, fishing or sex? She said, don't forget to wear sun-block!"