Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
  salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy's
  for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the
  anti-Semitic buyer.

  "Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon
  for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow
  ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis."

  Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up
  to Macy's receiving dock.

  The ribbon buyer went ballistic.

  He calls Goldstein and yells.

  "What's going on??? I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of
  your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads
  full of ribbon."

  Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland ."

[Steyr M40A1]

2011 Words Of Michelle Obama Calendar


http://search.barnesandnoble.com/2011-Words-Of-Michelle-Obama-Calendar-Box-Calendar/Sellers-Publishing/e/9781416286059/?itm=6&USRI=obama+calendard

[FSBARAK]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66 years old). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -- green,
red, orange and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would
find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough,
she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was wondering if you
were my daughter."

[tombogan03884]

I know it's nit picking, and would totally screw up the story, but, all Peacock's are male.
The females are Peahen's
And a flock of crows is properly called a "murder".

[tt11758]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66 years old). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -- green,
red, orange and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would
find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough,
she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock parrot. I was wondering if you
were my daughter."

There.  FIFY.   

[Sponsor]

[JC5123]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

[CJS3]

 

[crusader rabbit]

Italian Pregnancy
 
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
 
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
 
 
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.     
               
'I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..
 
 
'Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
 
 
'If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
 
 
'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
 
 
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
 
 
'You gonna try again.'

[tombogan03884]

Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

  

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

 

By the end .............. you'll wish you had a f#cking club and a spade....

 

[Big Frank]

  Good one Tom.