Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under each arm.

At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, "Fine looking pigs, sir!"

Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't You know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs. They're hawgs."

The Marine shot back, "Marine begs the Commander-In-Chief's pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!"

Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed.

The President went on, "Thank you, son. You see this one here?" He lifted up the pig under his right arm. "I got this one for Chelsea." Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. "And this one here, I got for Hillary."

At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said, "Outstanding trade, sir!

[someguy]

I'm really enjoying reading these jokes, but all the ones I can think of to post, well, probably shouldn't be posted here...   

[Bill Stryker]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service

[Bill Stryker]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of
wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all
of the shot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot
(3-1/2" T shot) damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refe r
you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your
brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye."

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Ohhhh I needed that today...

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Hillary Clinton went to a primary school in New York City to talk about the world. After her talk, she had a "question and answer" period. One little boy raised his hand & the Senator asked him for his name. "Kenneth." And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have 3 questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. Mrs. Clinton informed the children they would continue after recess. When they resumed Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put up his hand. Hillary pointed to him and asked him for his name.

"Larry."
And what is your question, Larry?"

" I have 5 questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4th - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5th - What happened to Kenneth?

[tombogan03884]

Marshal'ette You just made my day:D Actually several of them since this thread started.

[ellis4538]

So Sorry Marshal'ette!!!!!!  My post on New Member Intro came out wrong...I enjoy your jokes sooooooo much I want you to post more and more and more.  I don't know where you get them.  Again, a thousand pardons. Pretty please with sugar on it.

[Teresa Heilevang]

One thing about me, ellis.. I very rarely take anything right on the chin.. and my sense of humor ( most times "warped of course) runs a deep and wide path..
You did not offend me in any way and I didn't take your post as anything but "giving me a little sh**"  Of which I can take .. because I dish it out so often.. 
  ((But I LOOOOVE to hear a man beg  ~~soooo feel free to continue on with the 'please please with sugar on it'  stuff.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Ain't it so!, but them there South Carolina folks got it right!


The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated with high honors from the University of Tennessee,  and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
 That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 10-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter, out of breath, replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
 A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "Ok...But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When ya break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
 Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."