Classic joke thread...

[philw]

Is it just me, or does that guy look like Haz ?

nope

it is not just you hehe   

[Hazcat]

Is it just me, or does that guy look like Haz ?

Naaa, he has more hair. 

[PegLeg45]

5 NUNS IN A BAR

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special le gs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.



GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR LORD,
GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE,
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK.

[philw]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

[red364]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are
all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land
to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine
, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into
our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
those countries.



The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and
says,



 'Fill it with water.'

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

This flash news report just in from the AP wire...........


Lexington, KY - 
The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky river just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt. 
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.
Police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[True_Texan]

Texas Aggie Mortician:

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."



"So I just switched the heads."

[True_Texan]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, beer, or liquor...and even those who don't!
 

 

As Ben Franklin said:

'In wine there is wisdom.
In beer there is freedom
In water there is bacteria.'


In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.



However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh!t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:


I'm doing it as a public service.

[PegLeg45]

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor arrived immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction, and instantly feeling better he declared "That tasted like shit!"
                 
The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'

[True_Texan]

               
The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'

That is just too damn funny!