Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
 
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
 
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to
keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
for me?  I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
 
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts. Off they went.
 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran
over to the blonde. What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I
gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
 
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over,so
now we're going to Sea World."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Makes sense to me.........

[Teresa Heilevang]

When your dog steals your moment :

[Outlaw]

[Outlaw]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop all your firewood?"     
"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

  I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.  Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let
such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little
dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[TAB]

no comments needed.

[Bill Stryker]

>> Good Mistake, God don't like ugly
>>
>> A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
>> Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right
>> thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
>> red
>> light by accelerating through the intersection.
>>
>> The tailgating woman was furious a nd honked her horn, screaming in
>> frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
>> dropping her cell phone and makeup.
>> As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
>> into the face of a very serious police officer.
>>
>> The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to
>> the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed,
>> and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
>> approached
>> the cell and o pened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
>> where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
>>
>> He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
>> your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
>> of
>> you, and cussi ng a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus
>> Do'
>> bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
>> Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish
>> emblem
>> on the trunk, Naturally,.....................I assumed you had stolen the
>> car.'
>>
>> Priceless

[Dougdubya]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
And pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
Salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie
Appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be
As rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
Money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Ichiban]

Mark your calendar
 
Slap Your Co-Worker Day is    coming!!   

Friday  May 16 is  the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! These are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.