Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

The best smartass answers:


SMART ASS ANSWER #6:

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3:

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of fuel!


#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS .....

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Well, at least your eyesight's still good.'

[Grizzle_Bear]

The best smartass answers:


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Well, at least your eyesight's still good.'

And this comes under "famous last quotes", right?


Grizzle Bear

[Big Frank]

 
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[PegLeg45]

And this comes under "famous last quotes", right?

Grizzle Bear

Or at least the point where the fight started..........

[tt11758]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Well, at least your eyesight's still good.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror when her husband came into the room and asked her what she was doing.  The wife replied, "As you know I was feeling bad about myself because I've turned 50, but when I visited the doctor for my check-up today he set my mind at ease."

"How did he do that?", inquired her spouse.

The wife replied, "He had me stand naked in front of the mirror in his office and told me to take a close look at myself.  He said I had the complexion of a teenager, the breasts of a 25-year old, and the legs of a 25-year old."

"Oh yeah?", says the husband?  "What did he have to say about your 50-year old ass?"

To which the wife replied, "Your name never came up!"

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers
 
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
 
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange
 
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
 
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
 
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!
 
 

[PegLeg45]

Maybe this ought to be posted in the "political section........ 


This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:


Q.  What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.  Where will the government get this money?
A.  From taxpayers.


Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen.


Q.  What is the purpose of this payment?
A.  The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A.  Shut up.




Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. 

You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Cowboy Groom


A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and  went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went  to the front desk and asked for a room. He said,
"This here is a very special night; it's our wedding night,  and we need a good room with a strong bed.
 
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want  the Bridal?"
 
 The Cowboy thought about it a while and then  replied,

 "No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

 
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Oh my gosh.. this is a bit crude.. but so funny...

Electric fence

 The Electric Fence (Crude)
Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard
about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire
along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground.

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big Wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.

I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my cajones trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the
"piece of crap" lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only
did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and "BAM, BAM, BAM" you just crap your pants 3 times; It seemed like
there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.

My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm
so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those "piece of crap"
chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda tickled.
This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to
run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, sweat, and with my cajones on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... pleeeeze let me die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own
backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe'in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.

The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire
had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a champ now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.

7- My gonads are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting while thinking of the number 4
(still don't understand this!)

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little
things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize
what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,
which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[tt11758]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Iowa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"