Classic joke thread...

[Johnny Bravo]

 

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"F$%k off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c$%ksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f$%king, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that? 
 
 
  Johnny Bravo's answer to the immigration problem.

[ellis4538]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
 

[Bill Stryker]

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the
summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing
a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
 
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said.
'How much will you charge me?'
               
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about  $50?'
               
The man agreed and told  her that the paint brushes and everything
she would need was in the  garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her  husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the  house?'
               
He responded, 'That's a  bit cynical, isn't it?'
               
The wife  replied, 'You're right.  I guess I'm starting to Believe
all those dumb blonde jokes'.
               
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
               
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied,  and I even had paint left over, so I gave
it two  coats.'
               
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
               
'And by the  way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus.'

[Bill Stryker]

Have you ever wondered what the
Difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers?

       Well here it is:
 

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for 
some bonding time... Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
her Grandfather.

 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'



       'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and
Do you know what?   We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or
horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...??

 

[Pathfinder]

Have you ever wondered what the
Difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers?

       Well here it is:
 

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for 
some bonding time... Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
her Grandfather.

 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'



       'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and
Do you know what?   We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or
horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...??

 

Yup, it does. I try not to use those words around my grand daughter, as she is a sponge and a parrot in one - repeats everything. Instead, I drive her mother and gramma nuts by doing a "wheeeeee" ride, which is simply to take a specific sinuous turn and high speed, using my EVOC and lifetime training to move through quickly. She loves it, the grownups do not. It's all for her.

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

A guy orders a beer...
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a blonde's Boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over & retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer This happens. So after his third beer he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs the man jumps up and starts to Lick her breasts... SHE DECKS HIM!
While he is laying on the floor moaning and Groaning he says "Jeez lady why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because" says The blonde....
 
 
He has a licker license.'




I Know its been posted before == but I like it. 

[red364]

 
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

 

[Majer]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
 sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
 but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
 toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
 hands it back.

 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

 They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
 theater followed b y drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares he r deepest
 dreams and
 he shares his. She listens.

 After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
 place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful
 time.

 The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy> is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
 guy you meet?'

 'No,' she replies. . .





 Wait for it. .




 It's coming..





The suspense is killing you, isn't it?











 She says :
 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[ellis4538]

Heard it in a different way, but cute!

Richard

[PegLeg45]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Indy 500, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly.... "So, ya gonna vote for Obama again?"