Classic joke thread...

[Johnny Bravo]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
 
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,that only Ernie was
left.
 
 
 
  "Ernie, do you have a story to share?"
 
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival
knife."
 
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then
her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi With her bare hands."
 
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was
the moral to this horrible story?"
 
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
 

[m25operator]

  Bet she was from Texas, or Tennessee, maybe Kansas ( M'lette ).

[philw]

Computer - A Male or a Female? : Interesting conclusion

Must be written by a women, what do you reckon?






A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
 
'Pencil' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'House' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

[philw]

Ever wanted to see Bill Clinton with a Moustache

[philw]

This oughta offend just about everyone....




   FIRE IN BLOCK OF FLATS

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
all  six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
the  country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the  fire.

Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew
into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On
camera,  they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris
and  Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied,




"Simple - they were both at work."

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

 Number 10


Life is sexually transmitted. 

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but youstill can't help but smile  when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.   
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought....


                   "Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
 
           What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

[Johnny Bravo]

Guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such Luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As Promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Big Frank]

Ever wanted to see Bill Clinton with a Moustache

Bill gets a Dirty Sanchez. 

[philw]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!

[PegLeg45]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole..'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said.. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'