Classic joke thread...

[Steve Cover]

Occupy Golf Movement

I am a member of golf's lower 99%.

I am an indifferent golfer, and there's no way I could ever make it to the professional level.
I will never put in the practice time to be the best. I will never have the shots, skills, or mental toughness to make it in the sport. I just never felt like working all that hard at it.
However, I am a part of the golfing community and, as such, feel I should be paid by the top 1% of golfers for what I do.
It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are more skilled and dedicated should make all that BIG money.

Where's my share? I'm a Victim!

The top 1% should pay for my club memberships and green fees and lessons, buy me new clubs, balls, clothes and shoes, and pay me some of their winnings.
They can afford it.
They are "The Rich".
The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me.
I think we should get together and occupy a golf course (I want to set my tent up on the 19th hole) and demand that those who are better at what they do, pay for us who generally suck.
Whining should get us something - maybe we'll make the cover of Time Magazine, garner some public sympathy.
Why, during this election year, we may even get a law or two passed by legislators who want our votes.

PS. Don't mention this to tennis players. We thought of it first.

That's about the size of it.

Steve

[philw]

Two Aboriginals were riding along the highway on a motorbike.

They broke down and started trying to hitch a lift.
A friendly trucker (Wilko) stopped to see if he could help and they asked  him for a lift.
He told them he had no room in the rig because he was carrying 20,000 lawn bowls.
The Aboriginals put it to Wilko that if they could manage to fit in the back with their bike, would he give them a lift, and he relented.
They managed to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so Wilko shut the doors and got off on his way.
By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard.
Sure Enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding.

The good officer asked Wilko what he was carrying to which he replied  jokingly-- Indigenous eggs'.
The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to take a look for himself.
He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut it and locked it & broke into a sweat !! 

Then he got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many officers.

'I've got a wagon with 20,000 ABBO eggs in it !!!!!! & 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already'

[tombogan03884]

Steve, I just sent that out as if it were a serious political demand to my liberal acquaintances.
I have no liberal "friends".

[Steve Cover]

Steve, I just sent that out as if it were a serious political demand to my liberal acquaintances.
I have no liberal "friends".

So Did I .... Hee Hee

Steve

[tt11758]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .  As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink.."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no   pets allowed."
 
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.  This is my
seeing-eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
> The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
>
>
> The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
> The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
>
> Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
>
> The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
>
> The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
>
> The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua?!"
>
> 
>

[Sponsor]

[FSBARAK]

A bit long, but wth.


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped
empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way
the production line was set up, and people with experience in
designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to
have everything happen with timings so precise that every single
unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.

Small variations in the environment which can't be controlled in a
cost-effective fashion mean you must have quality assurance checks
smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the
way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another
product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste
factory got the top people in the company together and they
decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an
external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem,
as their engineering department was already too stretched to take
on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months and $8
million later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget,
high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They
solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh
less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk
over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button
when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: Amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the
factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer
complaints, and they were gaining market share.

"That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely
at the other statistics in the report. It turns out, the number
of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of
production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day,
so maybe there was something wrong with the report.

He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the
engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The
scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes
that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the
part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few
feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty
boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers, "One of the guys put it there
'cause he was tired of walking over there every time the bell rang."

[gunman42782]

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

[tombogan03884]

A few days ago an old friend sent me a 'Vietnam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."

I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.

"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.
 
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they  call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
 
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
 
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
 
The moron nodded knowingly.
 
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
 
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.'
 
"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
 
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.  Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture . He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

[gunman42782]

Original Chinese Proverb
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day....Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

2012 Update
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, a hundred weeks of unemployment, a forty ounce malt liquor, free drugs and Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democratic for life.

[tombogan03884]

Gunman, You must be chastised,you got the proverb wrong.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will drink beer all day"