Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

 Paraprosdokian-A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
31. "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
32. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
33. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
34. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
35. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
36. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
37. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
38. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
39. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
40. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
41. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
42. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
43. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
44. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.
45. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second
opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
46. If you are going through hell, keep going.
47. I sleep 8 hours a day. And at least 10 at night.
48. The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
49. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
50. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

[kmitch200]

Health & Safety Test
 
I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
 One of the questions was:
 
"In the event of a fire in the workplace, what steps would you take?"
 
"Really Fuckin' Large Ones" was apparently the wrong answer!

[Solus]

Paraprosdokian-A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

51. If you're not confused, then you don't fully understand the situation.

[ellis4538]

A Missouri State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
 
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
 
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
 
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.  The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
 
The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"
 
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
 
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing?"
 
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
 
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
 
The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"
 
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
 
The trooper asks: "And her.... what's her age?"
 
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..."

[ellis4538]

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six older ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the
store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same
six older ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six older ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard
sale.'

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ..
 
           
 
         
 
           Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o'clock, 6 miles!"
 
           Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
     
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
     
 
           Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
 
         TWA  2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
 
         Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
 
         
 
           
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
 
         United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was  your last known position?"
 
           Student: "When I was number one for  takeoff."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
            My personal favorite
 
         
 
           A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
 
         "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
         A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
 
           Lufthansa (in  German):
 
         "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
 
         Ground (in  English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
 
         Lufthansa (in  English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
 
         Unknown voice from another plane  (in a beautiful British accent):  "Because you lost the bloody war!"
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           Tower:
 
         "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
 
         Eastern  702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
 
         Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report  from Eastern 702?"
 
         Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our  caterers."
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while  a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
 
         The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:  "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
 
           Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
 
         Ground: "Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
 
         The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
 
         
 
           Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
 
         Speedbird  206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
 
         Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
 
         Speedbird 206  (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
             While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
 
         came nose to nose with a United 727.
 
         An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"  Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:  "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
 
         "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
         
 
         Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
 
         Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
 
         Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
 
         silence and keyed his microphone, asking:  "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Big Frank]

Lil' Johnny Meets Barack
 

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
   
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."
 
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
 
"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss."
 
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
 
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
 
"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
 
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...
and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either.

[Steyr M40A1]

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
.. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

[tt11758]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bagpiper at a Funeral

      As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
      Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
      Man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
      Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
  typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

      I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
      Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the
      Diggers and crew left and they were eating

lunch.

      I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
      Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
      Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

      The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
  played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I
 played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

      And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
  wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my
  bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart
  was full.

      As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
      Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
      Tanks for twenty years."

      Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

[Teresa Heilevang]

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.


He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.


The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'


The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'


The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'


Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'


The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!


The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'


The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her -- what's her age?'


The young man looks at his watch, grins and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes ...'