Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Two good ole boy farmers, Bubba and Roy, were driving down a country road in the pickup one day when from the passenger seat Bubba says, "Hey, stop!!  Back up!!  There's a bottle laying on the shoulder of the road, and with grain prices being what they are, every dime counts!!"

The pair picks up the bottle, and as Bubba wiped the dust from it, a genie appeared.  The genie said, "Boys, you've saved my life!  For freeing me from the bottle I'll grant you 3 wishes.  That's one wish each day for the next 3 days.  What's your first wish?"

The boys thought it over for a moment before Roy replied, "We've talked it over and decided that we want to get $10 a bushel for corn."

"Done!!!", says the genie.

The next morning the genie appeared to the pair and said, "Ok, guys, day number two, time for wish number 2.  What's it gonna be today?"

To which Bubba replies, "We've decided that we want to get $20 a bushel for soybeans!"

"Done!!!", says the genie.

On the third morning, the genie appears to Roy and Bubba for the final time.  "Ok guys", says the genie, "Today is your last wish.  Better make it a good one.  What's it gonna be today?"

Bubba replies, "We've decided we want to get $10 a bushel for corn!"

"But I granted that wish the day before yesterday", protests the genie.

"I know", said Roy, "but we didn't sell."



(If you don't get that one, ask a farmer)

[tombogan03884]

Letter to the bank president
 
 
Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment,
I was wondering if you could advise me... If one of my checks is returned marked
'insufficient funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?


Sincerely,

[PegLeg45]

For those who are --- seniors --- for all of you who know seniors --- and for all of you who --- will be seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
And, speaking of senior moments:


The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition..as she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit .....so that's why no one was at church today.'

 

[ellis4538]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
> >their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
> >
> >
> >
> >Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
> >look towards sky; what you see?"
> >
> >
> >
> >The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."  What that tell
> >you ?" asked Tonto.
> >
> >
> >
> >The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "astronomically
> >speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
> >appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
> >Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
> >insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
> >day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
> >
> >
> >
> >"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
> >

[Bill Stryker]

The  Mustang Ranch and $750 billion bail-out
 
 
Back  in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel  in Nevada for
 tax evasion and, as required by law,  tried to run it.
 
They failed and it closed. Now,  we are trusting the economy of our country
 and 850+  Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make  money
 running a whore house and selling  booze.
 
Now if that don't make you nervous, what  does??? 

[Sponsor]

[philw]

Finish this sentence.......As Happy as a .............

[Bill Stryker]

Deer Meat
 
                                                       

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole...
 

[tombogan03884]

Farm Kid in the Marines

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

 

Dear Ma and Pa,

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.  Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

 

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

 

 

 

 

[m25operator]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
     *   *     *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
 
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
 
 
     *   *   *   *   *     *   *   *   *   *   *
 
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
 
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
 
       *     *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
 
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
 
       *   *   *   *   *   *     *   *   *   *    *
 
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
 
     *   *   *     *   *   *   *   *   *       *   * 
 

[PegLeg45]

Perfect gift for men......