Classic joke thread...

[CDR]

A classic joke.

[PegLeg45]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.

He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.






And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

 

[tt11758]

A classic joke.

More like a sick joke.

[Bill Stryker]

IRS Audit


The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.  The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi..  "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.  So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.









"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[PegLeg45]

With apologies to the women folk.......this was just too darned funny...


An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You dang fool; you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You dang fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the       unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pus*y willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

        

[Sponsor]

[long762range]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, “Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.”
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, “But Grandpa, I really doana lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?”

Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, “Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos.”

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, “Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then…pointa to your watch and say ‘Time’s up?’”

[Timothy]

[Big Frank]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[Bill Stryker]

 The economy is so bad:
 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

 Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

 PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

 McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

 A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico ..

 The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

 Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

 People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

 Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

 Motel Six won't leave the light on.

 The Mafia is laying off judges.
 
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

[Bill Stryker]

98-year-old Mother Superior from  Ireland
was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make
her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her
some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to
the kitchen and remembering a bottle of
Irish Whiskey received as a gift the
previous Christmas, she opened it and
poured a generous amount into the warm
milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held
the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew
it, she had drank the whole glass down to
the last drop.

"Mother," asked the nuns with earnest,
"please give us some wisdom before you die."

 She raised herself up in bed and said,
"Don't sell that cow."