Classic joke thread...

[kmitch200]

Investment Opportunity

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

[ellis4538]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doi...ng?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sledgemeister]

Hi All,

With the Christmas and New Year holidays fast approaching us I would like to share a personal experience with you my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have close shaves with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends.

Well, a few days ago I was out for an evening with friends and we had several beers followed by some rather nice red wine. As I was feeling a little bit happier than normal,
I had the good sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That is when I did something that I have never done before, I took a taxi home.

Sure enough, as I was heading home, there was a police road block, checking for .05 etc., however since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This to me was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, I don’t know where I got the taxi from and now it is parked in my garage and I don’t know what to do with it.

So drive safely over the holiday period; Merry Christmas.

[sledgemeister]

A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is


completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:








'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

[crusader rabbit]

The Welfare Check

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system...getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're 'sh!tt!n' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it."

[Sponsor]

[Bic]

Sorry about this...or I may be in the morning...


I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I did a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

[PegLeg45]

 

[philw]

Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1 cup butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Handful of nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup ... Just in case. Turn off the
mixer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit
gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the
wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the
oven. Turn the cake tin 360degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the
wine and wipe counter with the cat. Go to Coles or Woolies and buy cake.
 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[philw]

Not quite in the mood for vagina today, I'll try the large intestine please.






Bet your all glad I am back. Now.  Hehe.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[philw]

The phrase mounted policeman has never been so relevant




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD