Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

There's no women on here.. but I don;t care.. I want to post this anyway..

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texan woman
 sent to American company, Proctor and Gamble regarding
 their feminine products. She really gets rolling after
 the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
 choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
 
 
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
 
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
 for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their
 features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave
 absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
 salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
 running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
 But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
 Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
 enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
 aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
 feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
 pants.
 
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
 Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you
 haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
 now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
 violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
 from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
 into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
 hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
 amazing?
 
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
 you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
 exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits
 from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
 bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
 our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
 out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
 tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
 friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
 boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
 because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
 written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
 
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
  America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in
  Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
 letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
 painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
 my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
 printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
 'Have a Happy Period.'
 
Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is, does any
 part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
 happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is
 possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
 mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
 did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
 S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about
 a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
 and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
 don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
 hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
 blaze of glory.
 
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
 have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
 it make more sense to say something that's actually
 pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
 Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
 
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
 effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
 monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
 business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
 your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
 brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise
 I will keep.
 
Always. .. .
 
 Wendi

[Teresa Heilevang]

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

[Teresa Heilevang]

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.    As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.   Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.   Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.    Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.   Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.   Toss back another shot.  Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.   Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
 




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Give A Dog A Pill
 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[Grizzle_Bear]

Cats......the Other White Meat!


 

Grizzle Bear

[Outlaw]

They Walk Among Us and Many Work  Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again.  I gave her the Money bac k same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.  I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'


They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'  ; When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

 



Yep, They Walk Among Us!




They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all
.....they Vote!

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

And they run for office.

[MikeBjerum]

Started as an accidental automatic response on my part, but has turned into a fun joke many of us play:

Next time your in a store checking out, count out your cash as you pay the clerk (just as we would all like to have our change counted to us), and when they give you your change and receipt in one pile stuck in your had look them in the eye and say "Thank you, come again!"

The look of total confussion on the clerks face is priceless.

[Grizzle_Bear]

 Camilla's Shoes


Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. One's feet are killing One.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'


Grizzle Bear

[Pathfinder]

OK, I was laughing hysterically when I read M'ette's post about giving a cat a pill, almost had a heart attack laughing when I read the dog part. When I hit Grizzle Bear's comment I damn near fell out of my chair laughing.

Good Thread!!

 

[tombogan03884]

OK, I was laughing hysterically when I read M'ette's post about giving a cat a pill, almost had a heart attack laughing when I read the dog part. When I hit Grizzle Bear's comment I damn near fell out of my chair laughing.

Good Thread!!

 

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