Classic joke thread...

[deepwater]

 
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shitting Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington 's boat.  It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters  and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.  Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.  All of them felt terrible, for
the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'  They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.  We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shitting me.'

[tombogan03884]

Dear Mr.Grim Rea per,
  
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Thank you

[ellis4538]

Washington had a very difficult and ultimately historic decision to make before crossing the Delaware......

Wait for it!












"Row vs. wade!"


FWIW

Richard

[Bill Stryker]

The POSITIVE results of "Cash for Clunkers":



      It's taken 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road...!!!

 

[philw]

Perhaps a little too close to the truth

 

At the G20 summit, Barack Obama and Kevin Rudd are being shown a computer simulation

 called 'Time Machine' which can supposedly predict the economy and society trends of the future.

 Both decide to test it by asking a question each.

 Barack goes first:  "What will the USA be like in 50 years time?"

The machine whirs and beeps then gives him a printout,

 "The country is still in good hands under the Democrats, crime is down, there is little world conflict,

the economy is healthy.There are no worries."

Kevin thinks "That's not a bad prediction, but I'm sure mine will top that." so he asks,


"What will Australia be like in 50 years time?"

The machine gives the same whirs and beeps, then ejects a printout.

Kevin looks at it, turns it around a few times, then shakes his head.

"Come on Kevin," laughs Barack, "What does it say"

 Kevin replies,  "No idea..... it's in Arabic!" 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

A man (guess who?) moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo of himself in half and mails it to her.

The next day he discovers he has accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried, but then he remembers how bad his mother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his mother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too short.

[bulldog75]

A new study on woman’s libido was just completed.

It is found that a certain type of food shuts their libido off.

Wait for it.





It is called wedding cake.

[philw]

Many times there are 3 different rings that that reveal the signs of couples:
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The SuffeRING

[Bill Stryker]

When Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...

 Now we have Obama with no Hope and no Cash.

[philw]

STRIKING SUICIDE BOMBERS


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.  The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too.  How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.  I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."  He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.  "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.  One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.  However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.