Classic joke thread...

[Johnny Bravo]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

 ________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

 ________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

 ________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 ________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

 ________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

 ________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[PegLeg45]

Three friends married girls from different parts of the U.S.

The first one married a girl from Wisconsin. He told her that she must clean the house & wash the dishes every day. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house & dishes put away.

The 2nd man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The first day he saw nothing, the second day was better. By the third day, he saw the house was cleaned and a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a girl from Georgia. He ordered his wife to clean the house, do the laundry, mow the lawn & have hot meals on the table every evening. On the first day, he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day some of the swelling had gone down & he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[tt11758]

I decided to establish my position as head of the household early on in my marriage.  On our wedding night, when we got back our hotel room, I reached into my suitcase, pulled out a pair of my pants, handed them to my new bride and said, "Here, put these on."

My new bride replied, "I can't wear these!"

I said, "That's right, by God, and don't you EVER forget who DOES ear the pants in this family!!" 

I was feeling pretty good about myself until she reached into her suitcase, pulled out a pair of her panties, handed them to me and said, "Here, YOU put THESE on!"

I looked at these small panties and said, "You know I can't get into these."

Her response was swift, to the point, and chilling.  "That's right, and unless you change your damned attitude, you never will!!

[Johnny Bravo]

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

 

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

 

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the checkout, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

 

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

 

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

 

The lady smiled, and replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

 

The pharmacist said, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

The grade school teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Jimmy, a bright Navajo Indian boy who had his hand up. "'Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!" Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,...
shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Little Jimmy, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed,
Little Jimmy knows more about history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Jimmy put his hand up, "General Custer, 1876 ."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Jimmy says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Jimmy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Jimmy frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Jimmy said quietly, "The American people, November 4,
2008."

 
 

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

                The 1st Affair

                A married man was having an affair
                with his secretary..
                One day they went to her place
                and made love all afternoon.
                Exhausted, they fell asleep
                and woke up at 8 PM.

                The man hurriedly dressed
                and told his lover to take his shoes
                outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

                He put on his shoes and drove home.

                'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

                'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

                'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
                We had sex all afternoon.'

                She looked down at his shoes and said:

                'You lying bastard!
                You've been playing golf!'


                The 2nd Affair

                A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
                but always talked about having a son.

                They decided to try one last time
                for the son they always wanted.

                The wife got pregnant
                and delivered a healthy baby boy.

                The joyful father rushed to the nursery
                to see his new son.

                He was horrified at the ugliest child
                he had ever seen.

                He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
                be the father of this baby.
                Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
                Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

                The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
                'No, not this time!'


                The 3rd Affair

                A mortician was working late one night.

                He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
                about to be cremated,
                and made a startling discovery.
                Schwartz had the largest private part
                he had ever seen!

                'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
                commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
                with such an impressive private part.
                It must be saved for posterity.'

                So, he removed it,
                stuffed it into his briefcase,
                and took it home.

                'I have something to show
                you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
                opening his briefcase.

                'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
                'Schwartz is dead!'


                The 4th Affair

                A woman was in bed with her lover
                when she heard her husband
                opening the front door.

                'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

                She rubbed baby oil all over him,
                then dusted him with talcum powder.

                'Don't move until I tell you,'
                she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

                'What's this?' the husband inquired
                as he entered the room.

                'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
                'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
                so I got one for us, too.'

                No more was said,
                not even when they went to bed.

                Around 2 AM the husband got up,
                went to the kitchen and returned
                with a sandwich and a beer.

                'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
                I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
                and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


                The 5th Affair

                A man walked into a cafe,
                went to the bar and ordered a beer.

                'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

                'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

                He glanced at the menu and asked:
                'How much for a nice juicy steak
                and a bottle of wine?'

                'A nickel,' the barman replied.

                'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
                'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

                The bartender replied:
                'Upstairs, with my wife.'

                The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
                with your wife?'

                The bartender replied:
                'The same thing I'm doing
                to his business down here.'



                The 6th & Best Affair

                Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

                He looked up and said weakly:
                'I have something I must confess.'

                'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

                'No,' he insisted,
                'I want to die in peace.
                I slept with your sister, your best friend,
                her best friend, and your mother!'

                'I know,' she replied.
                'Now just rest and let the poison work..'

             
             

 

[Majer]

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job. "Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"" Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin'out of the ground!"

[Bill Stryker]

A Blonde in Church 
 
An  Alabama  preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation  has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do  not  intend  to accept this. 
 
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask  forgiveness  from God and
this Christian Family
 
No one moved.  The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me  and  admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your  heart  you  will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all  was  quiet.

 
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic  rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as  she  spoke,  'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding.  I never  said  you  were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends  that  you were  a wizard
under the sheets.'

 
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.

[Johnny Bravo]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with uncle paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey u dont have an uncle paul. Oh yes i do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy rite now. Brief pause. Uh ok then i want u to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout 2 mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back 2 the phone. I did it daddy. & what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin @ all! OMG!!! What bout ur uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But i guess he didnt know u took out the water last week 2 clean it. He hit the bottom of it & i think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
   Lil girl says No i think u have the wrong number....

[Bill Stryker]

     
    The stranded Irishman
    =================
    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".


    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
    drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
    0A"that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearin g that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

    He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!