Classic joke thread...

[red364]

California Vs. Arizona


The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.


1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing
what is natural.


2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating
it.


3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.


4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked
for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.


5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of
dangerous animals.


6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.


7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout
the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.


9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and
train a new security agent with additional special training re: the
nature of coyotes.


10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.




Arizona:


The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.



1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow
point cartridge.


2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.




And that's why California is broke.

[tt11758]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town
and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I
came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him
and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So
I called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This
went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote... Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus and saw the
car had an Obama sticker... I try to have a little fun each day now that
I'm retired.. It's important at my age.

[Johnny Bravo]

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a
second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.  The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.  The second guy said,
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow
revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the
money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and

I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...."   

[red364]

 Wheelchair License



Ethel was a bit of a demon in her  wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the  nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and  getting up
to maximum speed on the long  corridors.

Because the poor woman was one  sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents  tolerated her and some of them actually joined  in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one  corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence  stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,'  he
shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a  license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in  her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and  held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel  sped down the
hall.

As she took the  corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird  Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted  'STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?' Ethel  dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster
and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said  'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the  final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled  Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again.!!!'

[PegLeg45]

 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

 

 They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have
 to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
 her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
 handled it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk..
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.  '


'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'


 The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
 strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
 The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


 The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


 The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
 advice.
 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


 The waiting room erupted in laughter.


 Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

[Johnny Bravo]

Tom's surgery




 The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
 praise  for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She
 said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
 bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was
 excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You
 could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the
 pain that poor Tom must have experienced.  "Tom was unable to hold me or
 the  children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We
prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out
they  were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and  wrap  wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation
cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom.  "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the
 Lord,  Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his
scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified
 relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to
say.
 * *
 A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. *  *
 He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I
 just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."*

[Bill Stryker]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls*

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really
know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[tombogan03884]

 

[Bill Stryker]

Stopped by the Toyota Dealership  yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma .
> Just for fun, I  took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new 
> "feel" before they become extinct...
>
> The salesman  (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger 
> seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. 
>
> The seats were of particular interest. He explained  that the seats
> directed warm air to your butt in the winter  and directed cool air to your butt in
> the summer heat. 
>
> Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that  this must be a
> Republican truck.
>
> Looking a bit  angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. 
>
> I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the  seats would blow smoke
> up your ass year-round.
>
> I had  to walk back to the dealership........asshole had no sense  of
> humor.