Classic joke thread...

[red364]

FISHING TRIP

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,
3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.  He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special President's airplane.'
 
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike
Air Jordan  shoes.'  Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
 
The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,
'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out
I saved you from drowning!'

[shooter32]

FISHING TRIP

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,
3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.  He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special President's airplane.'
 
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike
Air Jordan  shoes.'  Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
 
The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,
'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out
I saved you from drowning!'

That there is funny!!

[MikeBjerum]

Never piss off a woman who owns a backhoe ...

[tombogan03884]

    Psychopath Test

    Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
    bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

    A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

    Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

    [Give this some thought before you answer]














    Answer:

    She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you
    answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by
    a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
    mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and
    answered the question correctly.


    If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.


    If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off
    my email list.

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bull shit!' The doctor said "It is - you were a quart low.”

 

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

President Obama was out for a jog one morning when he noticed a little boy sitting on the curb with a box of puppies on his lap. 

The President stopped and asked the lad, "What are you doing with that box of puppies, son?" 

To which the boy replied, "I'm selling them, sir.  Would you like to buy one?" 

The President asked the boy, with a grin, "Well, I don't know.  Are they democrat puppies or republican puppies?" 

"Oh they're democrat puppies", replied the lad.

"I'm not in the market for a puppy, since I just got one for my girls a few months ago, but since they're democrat puppies I'm sure you'll have no problem selling them." replied the President, before jogging off down the street with his Secret Service detail in tow.

About a week later, Michelle Obama was out for a jog, when she came upon this same little boy with his box of puppies.

Mrs. Obama said, "You must be the little boy my husband told me about.  Are you having much luck trying to sell those democrat puppies?"

The boy replied, "Sorry, ma'am, but these are republican puppies."

Michelle, taken somewhat aback by his response, replied, "But I thought you told the President just last week that they were democrat puppies."

To which the lad replied, "Last week they were democrat puppies, Mrs. Obama, but this week their eyes are open."

[red364]

Every Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.
But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."
Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while he chanted: "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you are a Codfish."

[philw]

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE


'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his
firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate

[long762range]

You have wood down under?











 

[m25operator]

HERES ONE FOR PHILW

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint.

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'   

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints..  After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'