Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
> would have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing
> my curly silver hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and
> she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...

[cookie62]

Ayoug boy and his father were in a drug store. They walked past a condom display, and the little boy asked his father what they where for. The father thought and said well son they are for when a man and a women have sex. The boy say's, Ya we read about them in health class. But why is there packs of 3, 6,and 12.
Well the father said.
3's are for high school boys
one for friday night, one for saturday night, and one for sunday afternoon.
6 packs are for college boys
two for friday night, two for saturday night, and two for sunday afternoon.
The boy said "ok but who would need 12"
Well the father says "thats for married men"
One for January
One for febuary
One for march
One for........

[MikeBjerum]

A father and his young son were at the grocery store.  As they approached the check out line they found themselves behind a nurse that was shall we say a woman of substance.  As they stand there chatting the nurse's pager goes off, and the son quickly jumped to the side and yelled "Look out dad, She's backin up!"

[Big Frank]

Ayoug boy and his father were in a drug store. They walked past a condom display, and the little boy asked his father what they where for. The father thought and said well son they are for when a man and a women have sex. The boy say's, Ya we read about them in health class. But why is there packs of 3, 6,and 12.
Well the father said.
3's are for high school boys
one for friday night, one for saturday night, and one for sunday afternoon.
6 packs are for college boys
two for friday night, two for saturday night, and two for sunday afternoon.
The boy said "ok but who would need 12"
Well the father says "thats for married men"
One for January
One for febuary
One for march
One for........

Once a month! I wish! My ex got horny once a month and had PMS at the same time so we argued and I didn't get any. It was like living in the great dust bowl... you know... the drought lasted for years.    Richard Pryor was right when he said that when you go from being single to married it doesn't taper off, you go from all you can stand... to NOTHING. Except I could have stood some more before marriage. 

[Big Frank]

I just came across an acronym and rearranged the actual letters and wording.

Standard Insurance Table/Other Health Insurance - SIT OHI becomes:

Other Health/Standard Health Insurance Table - OH SHIT!!! 

That's what I say whenever I get my doctors bill.

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

Dad at the Mall.....


I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grap a bite at the Food Court.  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:  green, red, orange and blue.   My Dad kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.   And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son.'
 

[Big Frank]

Another plot to kidnap Obama!!! 

[TAB]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man said, "These are Carols."

[Hazcat]

A vetern went in to apply for a govt job...

Boss..Well youe a vet and that gives you some points, were you wounded?

Vet...Yes, I had my nads blown off by an IED.

Boss...Well that gives you some more points.  Do you have any alergies?

Vet...Yes, I'm alergic to coffee.

Boss...Well that gives you enough points, you're hired.  You start tomorrow, come in at 10 am.

Vet...I thought the work day started at 8 am.

Boss...It does but this is a govt job and for the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratchin' our nads, no need for you to be here.

[Pepper]

I was not sure, where to put this one:

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=JhLVcrxAO08&feature=email




Hell of a mindset!