Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1369223 times)

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1100 on: November 21, 2008, 09:32:37 PM »
 An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted
 a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so,
  seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
  Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to
  his wife,  'Notice anything different about me?'
  Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
  Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
  and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
   Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
  'Notice anything different NOW?'
  Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's
  different? It's  hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
 it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
  Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
  HANGING DOWN,  MARGARET?'
 'Nope', she replied
   'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
  MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
  Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
  'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Y'Shoulda bought a hat.' ;D ;D ;D ;)

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1101 on: November 21, 2008, 09:50:43 PM »
I was not sure, where to put this one:

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=JhLVcrxAO08&feature=email

Hell of a mindset!  ;D


Kids say the darndest things.  :)
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1102 on: November 22, 2008, 03:26:20 AM »
Four Perfect Animals!

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.

My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals did you want?"

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1103 on: November 22, 2008, 03:40:35 PM »
‘Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
 

'Yes. What can I do for you?'
 

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
 

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
 

‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
 

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
 

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
 

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
 

They sneer at Virgil and leave.
 

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
 

'Hey Virgil! This here's Floyd.. Did the Sheriff come?'
 

'Yeah!'
 

'Did they chop your firewood?'
 

'Yep!'
 

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

m25operator

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1104 on: November 22, 2008, 08:23:05 PM »
Enjoy, fellow Patriots!
__________________________________________________
 
Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.
 
Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year.  Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.
 
Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, '$9,500.' ;D
 
'$9,500?' Obama asks, stunned. 'But you said it's an easy repair!' >:(
 
'Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free,' explains Joe. 'It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator.' ???
 
In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.
Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing.  The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several days. :(
 
A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.  Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says 'Let's see, this will cost you about $21,000.' :o
 
'A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!' Obama quickly fires back. >:(
 
Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. 'Well, because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day.  Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won't make any money. I'm hurting now too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share.' :(
 
Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: 'Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will you do?' ???
 
Joe immediately replies, 'Run for president, apparently.' ;D ;D ;) ;)
 
 
" The Pact, to defend, if not TO AVENGE '  Tarna the Tarachian.

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1105 on: Today at 04:08:01 PM »

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1105 on: November 23, 2008, 01:09:27 AM »
Hinckley to be released

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been f***ing Jodie Foster.  Thought you should know.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

ellis4538

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1106 on: November 23, 2008, 04:16:37 PM »
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

> you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
>
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
> HAPPY!!!'
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
>
> And then the fight started...
Used to be "The only thing to FEAR was FEAR ITSELF", nowadays "The only thing to FEAR is GETTING CAUGHT!"

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1107 on: November 23, 2008, 05:21:56 PM »
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1108 on: November 25, 2008, 02:59:48 AM »
YOU GOT TO LOVE THE LAW
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin ' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
      Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
 And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1109 on: November 26, 2008, 01:22:15 AM »
Wus DA night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru DA hood, everybody be sleepin' and DA sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of DA family, was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be DA law".

I pulled the sheet off DA windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrant of me.
 But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of DA years, Santy Claws he be white, but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.

Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who, On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in DA street, I knowed it of sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked DA lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son O bitch...he don did dis befoe"!

He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out DA windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".

So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

 

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