Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

Newfie Drinking Buddies

 

 

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander , NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

 

Jim says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"

 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and

 

Get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!   NO bad side effects.

 

Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

 

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

 

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

 

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

 

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We

 

Ought to do this more often."

 

Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing...Have you farted yet?" No..

 

Well, DON'T.   I'm in Thunder Bay "

 

[PegLeg45]

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD"  (retold)

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
       
'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a sh*t!'


 

         

[PegLeg45]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new  apartment to a couple of his friends. 
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the  drunk replied.   
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his  astonished friend. 
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.     
The three stood looking at one another for a  moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'.

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played
golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END


I just love happy endings. - Frank

LOVED IT!!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Some may like this better than others.
 
 
 
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'You know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"I Dunno" said the ugly man,............"I Never found the head!"

[PegLeg45]

LOVED IT!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some may like this better than others.
 
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'You know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"I Dunno" said the ugly man,............"I Never found the head!"

Aw, damn....that one caught me off guard a little.........but it was funny. 

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

I over heard Peg telling this memory the other day ...


A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"


 

[Big Frank]

 


"I Dunno" said the ugly man,............"I Never found the head!"

LOL

[MikeBjerum]

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.  Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
 
                               

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
                                     

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.  Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
                                                         

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.
                                 
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole,  'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

 
 
 
 

[Bill Stryker]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
   One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
   The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.    They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
   The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
   'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
     Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
 
    The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 
 
    ('Chalk up one for the Blonde!' . . It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in awhile.)

[Bill Stryker]

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing
everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it
you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . .
'THE
TEETH.'