Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

JUST IN!~

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue...

 
Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic...

[ellis4538]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
     This enables you at 85 years old
     to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
     home at $7000 per month.

      My grandpa started walking
      five miles a day when he was 60.
      Now he's 97 years old
      and we don't know where he is.

      I like long walks,
      especially when they are taken
      by people who annoy me.

      The only reason I would take up walking
      is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

      I have to walk early in the morning,
      before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

      I joined a health club last year,
      spent about 400 bucks.
      Haven't lost a pound.
      Apparently you have to go there.

      Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
      I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

      I do have flabby thighs,
      but fortunately my stomach covers them.

      The advantage of exercising every day
      is so when you die, they'll say,
      'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

      If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
      start with a small country.

      I know I got a lot of exercise
      the last few years,......
      just getting over the hill.

     We all get heavier as we get older,
      because there's a lot more information in our heads.
      That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[PegLeg45]

How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.


How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

 

[ellis4538]

PegLeg45 you forgot ...Agree with everything she says even if it is wrong!

Richard

[PegLeg45]

PegLeg45 you forgot ...Agree with everything she says even if it is wrong!

Richard

You got THAT right.     

[Sponsor]

[TAB]

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,477467,00.html

LOS ANGELES —  Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt has sued two of his nephews for selling their own line of adult movies under the same family name.

Flynt accuses the nephews of producing pornographic films that are "inferior products" and "knockoff goods." Flynt said he filed the lawsuit Monday in U.S. District Court to protect his family name in the industry, the Los Angeles Times reported Wednesday.

"To come into the adult entertainment business and use my name not only confuses people who buy my products, but if they're not maintaining a certain quality, it could also hurt my name," Flynt told the Los Angeles Times on Tuesday.

Jimmy Flynt II and Dustin Flynt worked for their uncle for more than a decade before he fired them about a year ago. The brothers said they are trying to break into the business and have a right to use their family name.

"If I can't use my name to do business, then what kind of society, what kind of world is that?" Dustin Flynt said.

He said his uncle was suing him out of "inferiority issues," and said trademark lawsuits were "a way for big business and rich people to put a muzzle on the little guy."

He said he worked his way up in the business over the years, and said his latest film "surpasses anything Hustler's ever done."

Larry Flynt said he fired his nephews for being unproductive and gave them a severance package of $100,000 that they used to start a competing company. He said he is unimpressed with that company's products and expects he will have to help out his nephews when it fails.

[MikeBjerum]

Letter to send to our banks:



Dear Sirs,
 
 In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. 

If one of my checks  is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that  refers to me or to you?

[ellis4538]

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human
Race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
They had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same
Question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago
There were monkeys from which the human race
Evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human
Race was created by God, and Mom said they developed
From monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your mother
Told you about hers.'

[philw]

This is a new one to me. if this doesn't bring a smile, I can't help  you.


A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.  The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?  'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.   Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it  for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'


I LOVE THIS ONE......... .She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

 

 

[philw]

There's no such thing as a new joke, just new audiences
But to recycle this gave me smile

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home
for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his
buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing
terms such as:

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years
and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over
to his host, & said:

  'I think it's wonderful that, after a ll these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head.

'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind
about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is?