Catholic Humor
These are worth the read.
1. Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your
penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
2. Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off
of your face.'
3. Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after
surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open
and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she
stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of
'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
4. Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a
mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists
down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
5. Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this
Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
6. ConfessionC2
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I
had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
7. Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam
he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the
ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had
it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe
you?'
8. Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I
think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip
up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
9. Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the
closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a
search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the
exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of
moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little
bastards!'..
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