Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
 
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
 
'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
 
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
 
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
 
...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
 
She ran out of the room.

[MikeBjerum]

From Tech Support:

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
 


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from   Boyfriend 5.0  to  Husband 1.0  and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under  Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition,  Husband 1.0  un-installed many other valuable
programs, such as:    Romance 9.5  and   Personal Attention 6.5, 

and then installed undesirable programs such as: 

         NBA 5.0, 
         NFL 3.0   and 
         Golf Clubs 4.1 

Also   Conversation 8.0  no longer runs, and  Housecleaning 2. 6 
simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running  Nagging 5.3   
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, 
Desperate.

 

DEAR DESPERATE,   

First, keep in mind,
•          Boyfriend 5.0   is an Entertainment Package, while 
•          Husband 1.0    is an operating system. 

Please enter command:  ithoughtyoulovedme.html 
and
try to download  Tears 6.2  and do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed , 
 Husband 1.0   should then automatically run
the applications  Jewelry 2.0   and   Flowers 3.5. 

However, remember, overuse of the above application
can cause  Husband 1.0  to default to 
 Grumpy Silence 2.5 ,  Happy Hour 7.0  or  Beer 6.1 .

 Please note that   Beer 6. 1   is a very bad program
that will download the   Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. 

Whatever you do,  DO NOT under any circumstances install   
 Mother-In-Law 1.0  (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your systems resources.) 

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the 
 Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported
applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary,  Husband 1.0  is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn
new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory
and performance. We recommend   
          Cooking 3.0  and 
          Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck!
Tech Support

[MikeBjerum]

     
 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN....... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and 
  you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!" 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
  shoes and you're barefoot. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
  pacemaker opens the garage door.   
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... You don't 
  care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN....... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
  instead of by the police. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN......"Getting a little action" means you don't
  need to take any fiber today 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. 
 
  AND 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN…….. You are not sure these are jokes.
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

 
  Redneck word of the day :  "OBAMA"
 

BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!
 

[Hazcat]

****************GROAN!*****************

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital,
Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."
Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy ¹s hand in his right hand and Harry¹s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

[Hazcat]

A birch tree and a beach tree one day noticed a new sapling growing right between them.  The Birch sais "AH! A new son of the birch".  The beech said "No way, that is deffinately a son of the beech". 

They argued like this for some time until a woodpecked happened by.  (and ya'll thought I was done din't ya )

So the trees explained the argument the woodpecker and asked if he would fly down and exsamine the sapling and tell which was right.

The woodpecker agreed and went to investigate.  So he did a peck here and a peck there on the sapling and flew back up into the trees.

"Well," said the birch "tell that beech I was right".  The beach said "Not so fast birch, I am sure that that sapling is a son of a beech".

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  the wood percker said "Hate to tell you but you are both wrong.  It s neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech"............

Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................











"That sapling is the finest young piece of Ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

     

[PegLeg45]

A birch tree and a beach tree one day noticed a new sapling growing right between them.  The Birch sais "AH! A new son of the birch".  The beech said "No way, that is deffinately a son of the beech". 

They argued like this for some time until a woodpecked happened by.  (and ya'll thought I was done din't ya )

So the trees explained the argument the woodpecker and asked if he would fly down and exsamine the sapling and tell which was right.

The woodpecker agreed and went to investigate.  So he did a peck here and a peck there on the sapling and flew back up into the trees.

"Well," said the birch "tell that beech I was right".  The beach said "Not so fast birch, I am sure that that sapling is a son of a beech".

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  the wood percker said "Hate to tell you but you are both wrong.  It s neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech"............

Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................











"That sapling is the finest young piece of Ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

     

Damn....

[Green Mountain Gringo]

what's that?      some kind of joke?   

[tombogan03884]

It losses something when you SEE it in print. I got a good snicker out of it 30 some odd years ago when my Dad told it. (At the local old ladies garden club )