Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

 
God said, ' Adam ,
I want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam , 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam , as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache
 
 
 

[philw]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[Bill Stryker]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
but one day, Sam approached the park and there sat Bill!
 Sam was very happy to see him and said, 'For crying out loud Bill, where have you been?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

[Johnny Bravo]

 A man and  his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on  the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a  drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is  asking for a push.

      "Not a chance," says the  husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

      He slams  the door and returns to bed.

      "Who was that?"  asked his wife..

      "Just some drunk guy asking for a  push," he answers.

      "Did you help him?" she  asks.

      "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning  and it is pouring rain out
there!"

      "Well, you have a short  memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three  months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped  us?

      I think you should help him, and you should be  ashamed of yourself!"

      The man does as he is told,  gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding  rain.

      He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you  still there?"

      "Yes," comes back the  answer.

      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the  husband.

      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the  dark.

      "Where are you?" asks the  husband.

      "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[jaybet]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him Into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we
have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let just anyone carry our badge, son." 
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six illegal aliens, Six lawyers,  Six drug dealers, Six Muslim extremists, Six democrats, And a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude. You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
                 
                 



             

     

[Sponsor]

[Timothy]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

[Walter45Auto]

After a President has been in office for one year it is customary  for the
Last President to send a note of congratulations to  the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President  was
Somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all  it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former 
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly  challenged.

So he took the note to his wife.  She was unable to decipher  it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.   
They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret  Service
detail and they were unable to determine the meaning  of the
note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. 

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded  message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval  Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of  the
note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with  an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the  staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were  called
in, and the best minds were unable crack the  code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the 
phone and called the former president, and asked him the  meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied:
'Bud ..... you're holding it upside down!' 

[Walter45Auto]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him Into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we
have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let just anyone carry our badge, son." 
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six illegal aliens, Six lawyers,  Six drug dealers, Six Muslim extremists, Six democrats, And a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude. You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
                 
                 



             

     

Copycat.  (I posted this one on the last page.)

[Teresa Heilevang]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the  local Chinese
Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag  with the next
collection of soiled clothes:
  "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
 
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
 
so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE
MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
 
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was
delivered, it contained a note from HIM:  "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES.
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS

[Dagger53]

In my time on this earth I have learned one thing, if you accidentally shut your wife and dog in the trunk of the car, when you come back three hours later and let them out, the dog is the only one happy to see you.