Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

I got some new deodorant, the instructions said
"REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM"
...I can barely walk But When I Fart it Smells Amazing

[bulldog75]

 

[philw]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is! the difference between a
Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough
Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a
new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have
no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine
and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out
she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move
to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make
eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schoolsuse the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple
that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a no rthern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is ther e no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[philw]

Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He
asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'. She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She
slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in
case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door... The husband whispers to his wife 'Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with
it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same
fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have
vagina?'

'Yes' she says.

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
wife's alone, and start using yours!'

[Bill Stryker]

 
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good here in Florida !

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

Ole  is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk  cow and
> hears about a nice one for sale over in  Nordakota
> (that  would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out  there).
>
> He  drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the  cow.
>
> He reaches under to see if the cow  gives milk.
>
> When he grabs a teat and  pulls....the cow farts.
>
> Surprised, Ole  looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then
> reaches under to try again.
>
> He grabs  another teat, pulls, and the cow farts  again.
>
> Milk does come out however, so  after some discussion with the cow's
> current owner,  Ole decides to buy the cow.
>
> When he gets  back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven,
> and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow  I yust bought.
> Pull her teat, and see vat  happens.'
>
> Sven reaches under, pulls the  teat...the cow farts..
>
> Sven looks at Ole  and says, You bought dis here cow over in
> Nordakota,  didn't yah?'
>
> Ole is very surprised since  he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
>
> Ole  replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah  know?'
>
> Sven says, 'My wife is from  Nordakota.'

[tt11758]

Why did OJ Simpson want to move
to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

WHy did OJ Simpson want his murder trial moved to Dallas?

He wanted to go somewhere where the natives knew NOTHING about NFL football.

[jaybet]

Guy  goes into a bar.  There's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever, and
 says to the man,

"What's your IQ ?"  The guy says,  "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he's curious.

So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" 

The  guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives
 it to the man, and says,

"What's your IQ?"  The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar,
 Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.   The robot says,
"What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings 
 him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
   
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close, and says,

"So, you people still happy you voted for
Obama?" 

[Bill Stryker]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
 FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears
you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a  new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
 

[Johnny Bravo]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman
And determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch
Hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your
heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'




I didn't see it coming, either!