Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

M'ette what's your point?

Richard

[Walter45Auto]

 A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
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> After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
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> The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."
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> Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says:
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> "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
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> six illegal aliens,
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> six lawyers,
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> six meth dealers,
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> six Muslim extremists,
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> and a rabbit."
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> "Why the rabbit?"
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> "Great attitude," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

[FSBARAK]

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the
UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest
opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the
world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In
Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa
they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know
what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what
"solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please"
meant. In the U. S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant. And in Canada they hung up because they couldn't understand
the researcher's Indian accent.

[FSBARAK]

A Kentucky farmer's wife came home just in time to find her
husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength,
borne of fury, and raising kids, she dragged him down the stairs,
out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She
put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The
banged up farmer was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're
not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife,
with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, "Hell no, I'm going to set this old shed on fire,
and go to Zeke's for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!"

[philw]

Police Really Do Care


The NY Police Department reported finding a man's body floating
inthe Hudson River, near the George Washington Bridge.

The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excess beer consumption, combined
with a huge drug overdose.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pinkG-string,
a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Obama "Change" " t-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

Police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[Sponsor]

[JC5123]

Black Testicles

A male patient who recently arrived to the U.S. from Ireland ,
 was lying in a hospital bed,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
tool in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

[PegLeg45]

A blond is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45 am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[PegLeg45]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of an old disease...it is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."

Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most that where infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how bad this is.

It's sad because ...it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!

[FSBARAK]

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman
sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how
to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her
husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young
woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean
wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned
how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our
windows."

[philw]

A husband who cares and understands!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older...

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on January 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting in her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.