Classic joke thread...

[philw]

this is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. he told her he couldn't stop
it and that it was perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by and he continued to rip them out. then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. she took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his under
pants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.. some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. the wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'. 'what do you mean?' asked his wife. 'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. i think i got most of them back in!"

[FSBARAK]

http://www.dhmo.org/

This stuff nearly killed me once.

[sledgemeister]

This real asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a f....k tap underneath, taste it."
***
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
 
***
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 
***
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really," she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
 
***
 
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
 
***
 
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me that I nearly fell in.

[Ichiban]

http://www.dhmo.org/

This stuff nearly killed me once.

[sledgemeister]

^ that is such a true representation of the rat bag liberal element.
The anti duck, anti hunting, save the nuclear whale type all together in one basket right there!

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

^ that is such a true representation of the rat bag liberal element.
The anti duck, anti hunting, save the nuclear whale type all together in one basket right there!

Didn't even here them tell some of the good stuff..

DHMO is the primary component of Acid Rain.
In it's gaseous state it can cause severe burns
People who have become dependent upon a regular supply of it will die after as little as 3 days without it.
It is supplied to every chemical weapons laboratory by a system of underground pipelines.

[MinotBob]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[sledgemeister]

I went into McDonalds the other day and there was muslim girl flipping patties. She was wearing a a filthy, grease-stained dirty burka. I was worried about hygiene so I left.
I then went into Hungry Jacks and there was a muslim girl there too. Immaculately dressed, wearing what looked like a freshly pressed burka. So I orderd a Whopper.

Just goes to show, the burkas are better at Hungry Jacks.

[tombogan03884]

Sledge, you should have stuck with flipping Patty. 

[PegLeg45]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter" and the Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.