Classic joke thread...

[Hazcat]

The tequila's in the corner at Haz's house.  He is always happy to share.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Red.. You and Tequila and Haz ? Together? In the same room?

God help you.. and "Glue your clothes on... "

 

[tombogan03884]

Red.. You and Tequila and Haz ? Together? In the same room?

God help you.. and "Glue your clothes on... "

 

I just heard God speak to me and what he said was, "She isn't dragging me into THAT one".
I think God might want to look the other way if that combination ever occurs.  

[philw]

A naked man looks in the mirror and says to his wife
"Why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself"

Wife says
"Because your cock thinks you're a twat to"

[philw]

Susan Boyles new job

Fresh from second place in Britains Got Talent and a small stint in a mental hospital, Susan BOYLE has now been employed by the British Government as the latest weapon in the fight against Muslim terrorism. 

Her face is being used on posters informing muslims that those 27 virgins waiting for them in paradise are not good looking at all.....





Still a nice change from camels and goats though...

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

Hell I didn't know they came in long stemmed!

So don't waste your tears on me...
Better save them and give them to poor Marshal... 
He's the one who needs them.

Score:  Marshal-0      M'Ette 1


Ah-oh... when Marshal sees this..I'm gonna be in trouuuuble...

You won't be in trouble, you (like ALL wives) are the boss!!  That is true by virtue of the fact that you control half the money, and ALL the nookie!!   









Is there any room left in the corner?  I'm just wondering.  No reason.   

[ellis4538]

 Husband and Wife humor!

 
Wife:    'What are you doing?'   
 
Husband:   Nothing.
 
Wife:     'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
 
Husband:     'I was looking for the expiration date.'   
 
-------------------------------
 
Wife :   'Do you want dinner?'   
 
Husband:    'Sure! What are my choices?'   
 
Wife:    'Yes or no.'     
 

Wife:           'You always carry my photo in your wallet..  Why?'
 
Hubby:           'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   
 
Wife:       'You see how miraculous and powerful I
am for you?'
 
Hubby:            'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'   
 
--------------------------------------------------------   
 
Stress Reliever Girl:       'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   
 
Boy:       'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   
 
Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
 
------------------------------
 
Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   
 
Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'   
 
Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   
 
________________________________
 
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   
 
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   
 
------------------------------------------------------------   
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
 
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
 
-------------------------------
 
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   
 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'   

Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.  'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week. Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.  Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.  Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[Badgersmilk]

Need a new shirt?

[philw]

When to keep your mouth shut.

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine,

when suddenly the engineer says: Hey, I see what your problem is!

[philw]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.
You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife s soul, your children s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what s the catch?"