Question: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? Answer: A stick!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
"Hello, is this the Fire Department?" "Yes." "My house is on fire -- you have to get here right away!" "Okay, how do we get to your house?" "You don't have those big red trucks anymore?"
Son: Dad, I have to go out. Could you do my homework for me? Dad: I'm sorry, son, but it just wouldn't be right. Son: Well, maybe not, but could you give it a try anyway?
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a martini. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't start anything."
Question: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Answer: I don't know and frankly, I don't care.
An optimist sees a glass as half full. A pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
A guy gets a call from his doctor, who says, "I have bad news, and worse news. The bad news is that your test results came back and they showed you only have 36 hours to live." The guy responds, "Oh, my God! What could possibly be worse than that!" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
A 92-year-old man and his 90-year-old wife go to their lawyer's office. The lawyer is astounded when they tell him they want to get a divorce. "But you've been married for 70 years! What in the world could make you want a divorce at this stage in your lives?" "Well," says the wife, "we've been thinking about this for years, but wanted to wait until the children were dead."
A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. When he finishes, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda shouts back, "Hey, I'm a panda -- look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: "A bear-like black and white animal native to mountainous regions of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves."
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a guy in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.
Question: What do you get when you cross a judge with poison ivy? Answer: Rash decisions.
A guy goes into a bookstore and asks the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She replies, "If I told you that, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Question: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? Answer: Dam!
Question: Why do they put bells on cows? Answer: Because their horns don't work.
A patient says to his doctor, "You've got to help me. I keep dreaming that I'm Donald Duck, then the next night I dream I'm Mickey Mouse. What's going on?" The doctor replies, "That's very interesting -- how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
A guy goes to his doctor for a check-up. After conducting a thorough examination, the doctor says, "I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left." "Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" asks the patient. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" the patient asks desperately. The doctor continues, "...nine, eight, seven...."
A guy rushes into his doctor's office and shouts, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responds, "Please settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Question: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
Question: Why are jack-o'-lanterns usually smiling? Answer: If you had the contents of your head scooped out, you'd have a stupid grin on your face too!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.
A patient says to his therapist, "I've had this strange feeling that I'm actually a bridge." The therapist remarks, "That's odd -- what's come over you?" The patient responds, "So far, five cars, two trucks, and a bus."
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." The bartender gives him a drink. After the guy finishes the drink, he says again, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." This happens a couple of more times, and finally the bartender asks, "When is the trouble going to start?" The guy responds, "The trouble starts as soon as you realize I don't have any money."
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the alphabet in that order -- is it because of that song?
Two guys were discovered shouting "together! together!" in the woods. When asked what they were doing, one of the guys responded, "we were lost, and we thought we'd have a better chance of being found if we yelled together."
A man calls the hospital, saying frantically, "My wife is in labor -- please send an ambulance!" The nurse tells the man to relax and asks, "Is this her first child?" The man responds, "No! This is her husband!"
Question: What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Answer: Poultry in motion.
Question: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Answer: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Question: Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Answer: Because they're two-tired.
Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't straighten her pupils out!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation, his patient woke up and demanded to close his own incision. The surgeon shrugged, handed him the needle, and said, "suture self"?
Did you hear about the woman who was dating a tractor salesman? They broke up when she wrote him a John Deere letter.
A young man facing a murder charge decided to bribe a kindly-looking juror to hold out for a manslaughter verdict. After a long trial and and even longer jury deliberation, the jury indeed returned a verdict of manslaughter. Before being led off to prison, the young man had a moment to talk with the juror he'd bribed. "Thank you so much," he said. "How did you do it?" The juror replied, "it wasn't easy. They all wanted to acquit you!"
If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?
"Why do they bother saying 'raw' sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?" (George Carlin)
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R." (Dennis Miller)
A trucker is driving a group of penguins to the zoo. Suddenly, his truck breaks down and he is forced to pull over to the side of the road. He flags down a farmer driving by in his van and says, "I'll give you $100 to take these penguins to the zoo." The farmer accepts, loads the penguins in the van, and drives off. A few hours later, while the trucker is repairing his truck, he sees the farmer drive by with the penguins still in the back of his van. The trucker shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo!" The farmer replies, "Well, I took them to the zoo, but then I had some money left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
Question: What's ET short for? Answer: Because he's got little legs!
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west!'" (Richard Jeni)
"They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life. Oh, well." (Drew Carey)
"Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, 'Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?'" (Gilbert Gottfried)
There once was a mendicant holy man who walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him large callouses on his feet. He also ate very sparingly, which made him frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath. In other words, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
A guy took his cross-eyed dog to the vet and asked, "Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet picked the dog up and peered into his eyes. "I'm going to have to put him down," the vet said finally. "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asked the owner. "No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
Question: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? Answer: A buccaneer.
"Some sad news from Australia. The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today." (Johnny Carson)
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you." (A. Whitney Brown)
"The government is telling us in order to avoid West Nile virus that we should not play with dead, infected birds. There go my weekend plans!" (Jay Leno)
Question: What do you call a camel without a hump? Answer: Humphrey.
"I'm shopping, and I caught this guy who's comparing apples and oranges. So I walked over and said, 'Hey, you can't do that.' He said, 'Why not?' 'Because it would be like . . . forget it.'" (James Leemer)
"I tried Flintstones vitamins. I didn't feel any better but I could stop the car with my feet." (Joan St. Once)
Question: Why do elephants drink so much? Answer: To try to forget.
Question: What do cannibals do at weddings? Answer: They toast the bride and groom.
A guy went to the optometrist's office. "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes," he said. The receptionist asked, "Have you seen a doctor?" "No," the guy replied, "just the spots."
A guy shows up in a doctor's office and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!" The doctor says, "I don't think I can help you -- you need the psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?" The guy replies, "Your light was on."
A farmer is driving a manure cart, which breaks down in front of the county mental hospital. A patient leans out of the window and shouts, "What's that manure for?" The farmer says, "I'm going to put it on my strawberries." The patients, responds, "We may be crazy in here, but we put whipped cream on ours!"
A teacher asks her students where they went on vacation. Timmy says, "my family went to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania." "That's very interesting," says the teacher. "Please spell 'Punxsutawney' for the class." Timmy thinks for a moment, then says, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
"I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did." (Auggie Cook)
Question: What do you call an unemployed jester? Answer: Nobody's fool.
Patient: Doctor, I sure hope I'm sick. Doctor: Why in the world would you say that? Patient: Because I'd hate to be well and feel like this!
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Why were the police called to the day care center? A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Question: What happened to the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder? Answer: He got a little behind in his work.
"Why do they call it a 'building'? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built'?" (Jerry Seinfeld)
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