Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

I have a bumper sticker that says...

HONK IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY

Then I just sit at a green light until I feel better about myself.

  Good one.

[Big Frank]

I'm so mad at my mother. 


https://youtu.be/YGzfdTsCnZ0

[Big Frank]

I ran into my Arab friend Khalil Ahfahtawah today. I haven't seen him in quite a while and our conversation went something like this.

Khalil: Frank, my friend. It's been too long. How are you today?
Me: I'm alright. How are you?
Khalil: Good, good.
Me: Whatcha been up to?
Khalil: Oh, nothing much.
Me: Yeah. Same here.
Khalil: I heard a song about me on the radio last week.
Me: No freakin' way! What was it?
Khalil: Ahfahtawah and, Allah won.
Me:

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Okay. I know that's lame, but give me a break. I just made it up. Here's something that I didn't have to make up. I would solemnly swear or affirm on a Bible this is true.

My older brother, the idiot (not to be confused with my younger brother, the moron), gave all of his friends Stupid nicknames, if they didn't have one already. And I do mean Stupid with a capital "S". One of his friends was named Kerry, as in County Kerry, Ireland, and his last name started with a "B". My idiot brother and the rest of the brain trust all called him C.B. Every time I heard one of them talking to him or about him, he was always called C.B. Like they all thought his name was spelled Carrie, as in short for Caroline.

If anyone wants to argue that marijuana doesn't negatively impact your ability to think logically, all I have to do is point at that bunch and say, "Oh yeah?"

[billt]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[PegLeg45]

 

[Sponsor]

[Big Frank]

Not a joke. Today I exchanged a couple of shirts I bought last Thursday and the salesperson was someone I never saw before named Aliyah. If she said she was born female, I would call her a liyah alright, because I don't believe it. And not so much because it was a big and tall man's store and she was bigger than me, or the masculine face with poorly applied makeup, but that drag queen voice! If she really is a natural born female and not a transsexual, then I truly pity her. But he/she/it sounded like a guy, a big guy, trying to sound like a woman and doing a very poor job of it.

[TAB]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

[Big Frank]

Did anyone go trick-or-treating? Bill Goldberg went as a constipated goblin.

[Big Frank]

The doctor prescribed me a new medication yesterday. I have to take 1 tablet 2 times a day. It's not very good the first time, but really tastes like $h!t the second time.

[billt]

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."