Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Stolen and forwarded ! 

[sledgemeister]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?
” Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.” Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.” Wife: “So how much do you want?”

[Big Frank]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
 only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
 the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
 couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
 
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
 Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
 Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
 hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
 
KABOOM!
 
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
 
KA-BLOOEY!
 
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
 
BULLS-EYE!
 
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
 
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
 football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
 
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
 coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
 mother.
 
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
 
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
 
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
 won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
 of my adoring fans."
 
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
 are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
 two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
 I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The
 old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
 
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!

[tombogan03884]

It could have been worse.
It could have been Detriot.
But then they don't win Super Bowls , do they ?

[Timothy]

 

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

 
 Holiday Ride Program
 
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
 
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it................any suggestions ?
 

[gunman42782]

You know how surpise morning sex is just the best kind of sex of all..........................except for in prison.

[Big Frank]

This reminds me of my ex.

[fatbaldguy]

This reminds me of my ex.

Ex? Hell, that is a picture of my wife's brother.

[kmitch200]

An oldie but a goody.