Classic joke thread...

[TAB]

I'm more then half way there with guns, ammo is not anywhere close.  about 25k rounds on hand... can't aford to buy more and no need to make more if I'm not shooting them up...

[tombogan03884]

In NH he'd be called a lucky SOB   

[tt11758]

I was bitter about my last divorce and the tens of thousands it cost me.......until I realized that it was worth DOUBLE that to be rid of her! 

One of the guys I work with says the reason divorces are so expensive is because they're worth it.

[MikeBjerum]

Scientific proof that Adam was blind!

When God first created Adam something went wrong with the eyes.

Adam was blind!

How do we know this?

Braille!

God knew there would be endless trouble if Adam confused Eve and his girlfriends.

God pondered this and created the nipple.

This gave Adam easy to access identification points  that were quickly accessible during moments of passion 

Thank you , thank you very much!

I will be here all weekend 

[kmitch200]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. 
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'  Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. 
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' 
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[Sponsor]

[david86440]

Corrected for errors..........

Okay, this one has been around for a while.


You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was
put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned
100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of
ammunition stored in his home.The house also featured a secret escape
tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has ....
about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a
"massive weapons cache."

I am dubious about the pile of ammunition
boxes and cans that they showed. It looked big enough to contain no more
than about 100,000 rounds, unless there was a lot of .22 rimfire ammo.
However, by southern California standards, even someone owning 100,000
rounds would be called "mentally unstable."

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona , . . . he'd be called "an avid gun collector billt."
In Texas , . .. . he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah , . .. .he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding
quantity of stored food.
In Montana , . .. .he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho , . . . he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Washington ……he'd be a "retired Policeman."
And, in Wyoming , . . . he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
 

[tt11758]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. 
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'  Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. 
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' 
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Wonder how much more surgery was necessitated by THAT remark? 

[MikeBjerum]

Wonder how much more surgery was necessitated by THAT remark? 

None ...

He was served some kind of fried oyster for supper and has been polite ever since 

[tt11758]

A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells them, "Anything you say will be held against you!" Then the drunk man yells; "TITTIES"

[crusader rabbit]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. However, on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."