Classic joke thread...

[sledgemeister]

Made me smile

[Big Frank]

I heard the same joke only his name was Whiskey Tits. 

[Majer]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,

but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek
to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,” Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

[tt11758]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[sledgemeister]

An Afghan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"A man is sitting on the well!"

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

An Afghan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"A man is sitting on the well!"

[kmitch200]

Those 2 put together - now that's funny!   

[alfack]

What you talkin 'bout Willis?

[Majer]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We

   turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our

   pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

 

   We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

   and we opened the front door to leave the house.

 

   As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots

   back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because

   she always tries to eat the bird.

 

   My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the

   cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,

   my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for

   the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

   'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

 

   A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,

   as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to

   poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to

   take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a

   blanket to keep her from scratching me.

 

   But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into

   the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

 

   The silence in the cab was deafening.

[PegLeg45]

Those 2 put together - now that's funny!   

The expression on the kid's face is priceless.