Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

Scotch with Two Drops of Water


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
“I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today....”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would
like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to
buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.”

 

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.  Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how
to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

[ellis4538]

Before Obama was elected President, he went to see the Clintons at their home for some

campaign advice. After drinking several glasses of wine, he asked Bill Clinton if he could

use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid

gold urinal. Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I

am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have anything so self-indulgent!"


The next day, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Barack

had been at his discovery of the fact that in Bill's private bathroom was a gold urinal.


That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary told Bill, "I just found out

who pissed in your saxophone."



                                           
 

 

[fatbaldguy]

The White House gardener got fired last week.  He was working in the rose garden, put his tools down to run to the toilet.  When he got back he asked about his tools and was escorted from the premises.  He only asked, Where the hell is the spade and the ho?

[tombogan03884]

 Great Franchise Opportunity
 
 
A British Engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan .

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
 


"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson

[crusader rabbit]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
 
 
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 Special revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos"
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your Rolex and say "Times up"?

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

[BAC]

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

That deserves to be on Facebook...and now it is.

[crusader rabbit]

THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT.                         

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive  woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So, the  waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the  gentleman who is seated over there."... and indicated the  sender with a nod of his  head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a  note.
 
The waiter, who was  lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note  read: "For me to  accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your  garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your  pants."

After reading the note, the  man decided to compose one of his own in return.   He folded the note, handed it to the  waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the  lady.

It  read:  "Just to let  you know things aren't always what they appear to be;  I have  a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8,  Mercedes CL600, and a  Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes  in  Aspen and  Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch  in  Louisiana.   There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. 

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.   Just send the bottle  back.'”

[ellis4538]

A modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had left
his bodily systems extremely upset.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and
threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and
swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off,
and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his
feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed
sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just beat
the crap out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

[Jrlobo]

Ralph returns to work on Monday morning and was greeted by his co-worker Frank.

Frank: Hiya Ralph.

Ralph, with raspy voice: Hiya Frank (whenever Ralph speaks in this joke, put a raspy voice in your brain)

Frank: Laryngitis? How'd you get that?

Ralph: Got it playing golf this weekend.

Frank: How could that be? Weather was nice, 75 degrees and sunny!

Ralph: Well I was on the 13th tee, 485yds dogleg to the right. Off to the left was a cow pasture. I sliced my ball into the pasture.
          There were 4 women in front of us and 1 of them did the same thing. Both of us were searching for our balls and couldn't
          find them anywhere. Then a cow lifts up its tail and I see a golf ball stuck in the cow's ass. So I walked over to the cow and
          lifted its tail. It was not a Titlelist 4, so I knew it wasn't mine. So, holding the cow's tail up, I said 'Hey lady, does this look
          like yours? She hit me 4 times in the throat with a nine iron!