Classic joke thread...

[philw]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....       

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.


A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.


The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'


The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'


She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'


Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.


The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....


Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.


'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.


'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'  The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.


The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.


The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00  membership fee.'


'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'


The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!!'

[m25operator]

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the lady became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, M'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we
was friends.


 

[tt11758]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
 All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
 then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
 job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
 says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 "Done!" replies the government official.

 And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

WAY too accurate to be funny!!

[ellis4538]

That post would go good in the "Classic Joke" thread except it isn't a joke!!!!!!!!

Richard

[Timothy]

UNCLAS //N01000//
NAVADMIN 100/09
 
SUBJ: CHANGE TO US NAVY EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAM
 
REF A: NAVY PERSONNEL MANUAL

1. AS A RESULT OF THE NEW ADMINISTRATIONS PROPOSED FORCE REDUCTIONS AND BUDGET CUTS, THE NAVY HAS DEVELOPED A PROGRAM TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF ACTIVE DUTY PERSONNEL. THIS PROGRAM WILL BE EFFECTIVE 1 OCTOBER 2009.
 
UNDER THIS PROGRAM, OLDER SAILORS WILL BE ASKED TO GO ON EARLY RETIREMENT, THUS PERMITTING THE RETENTION OF THE YOUNGER SAILORS WHO REPRESENT THE FUTURE. THEREFORE, THIS PROGRAM WILL PHASE OUT OLDER SAILORS BY JUNE OF THE FOLLOWING FISCAL YEAR.
 
THIS INITIAL PHASE OF THE PROGRAM  WILL BE KNOWN AS THE SAILORS LATE-AGED RETIREMENT PROGRAM (SLAP). SAILORS WHO ARE SLAPPED WILL BE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK FOR JOBS OUTSIDE THE NAVY. SLAPPED SAILORS CAN REQUEST A REVIEW OF THEIR PERSONNEL RECORDS BEFORE ACTUAL RETIREMENT TAKES PLACE. IT WILL BE DENIED WITH NO DUE HASTE.

2. THE SECOND PHASE OF THE PROGRAM IS CALLED THE SURVEY OF CAPABILITIES OF RETIREMENT-ELEGIBLE EARLY WORKERS (SCREW).  ONCE SAILORS HAVE BEEN SLAPPED, EVERY EFFORT WILL BE MADE TO SCREW THEM AS WELL.  ALL SAILORS WHO HAVE BEEN SLAPPED OR SCREWED MAY FILE AN APPEAL WITH THEIR CHAIN OF COMMAND WITH FINAL AUTHORITY NOT AT THE LOCAL COMMAND LEVEL.  ONCE SCREWED, SAILORS WILL BE QUIETLY SHOWN THE DOOR.

3. THE THIRD PHASE OF THE PROGRAM IS CALLED THE STUDY BY HIGHER AUTHORITY FOLLOWING TERMINATION (SHAFT).  UNDER THE TERMS OF THE OTHER NEW POLICIES, A SAILOR MAY BE SLAPPED ONCE, SCREWED TWICE, BUT MAY BE SHAFTED AS MANY TIMES AS FIT THE NEEDS OF THE NAVY.
 
4.  ONCE A SAILOR FOLLOWS THE ABOVE PROCEDURES, HE/SHE WILL BE ENTITLED TO HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL'S EARLY SEVERANCE (HERPES) OR COMBINED LUMP-SUM ASSISTANCE PAYMENT (CLAP).  AS HERPES AND CLAP ARE CONSIDERED BENEFIT PLANS, ANY SAILOR WHO HAS RECEIVED HERPES OR CLAP WILL NO LONGER BE SLAPPED OR SCREWED BY THE NAVY.

5. THE NAVY WISHES TO ASSURE THE YOUNGER SAILORS WHO REMAIN ON BOARD THAT THE NAVY WILL CONTINUE ITS POLICY OF TRAINING SAILORS THROUGH OUR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM (SHIT). THE NAVY TAKES PRIDE IN THE AMOUNT OF SHIT OUR SAILORS RECEIVE AND THE FACT THAT WE GIVE OUR SAILORS MORE SHIT THAN ANY OTHER SERVICE. IF ANY SAILOR FEELS THEY DO NOT RECEIVE ENOUGH SHIT, THEY MAY REQUEST A GUARANTEED SHIT ACCELERATION (GSA) ASSIGNMENT FROM THEIR CURRENT DUTY STATION.  ONCE RETURNED FROM A GSA ASSIGNMENT, SAILORS SHALL BE DEPLOYED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, IOT RE-BASELINE THEIR SHIT LEVEL.
 
6. THIS CHANGE WILL BE INCORPORATED INTO A FUTURE CHANGE TO REF A.
 

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[Dharmaeye]

Redneck Bank Loan

A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.


Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
 
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The good 'ole Tar Heel boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...

[CDR]

Redneck Bank Loan

A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.


Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
 
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The good 'ole Tar Heel boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...

Great........now Schmuck Schumer will be lobbying for a $500 interest minimum on all NY State bank loans.....

Line of the day........

"Don't you feel that whenever he speaks, Schmuky Schumer's ethics are always negotiable?"

Mark Levin

[Dharmaeye]

         

        A new element has been discovered:
         

        Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

         

        The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

         

        These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

         

        Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

         

        Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

         

        In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

         

        This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

         

        When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

         

[Dharmaeye]

Click on image to enlarge