Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age,
> in a small coastal Newfoundland community.
>
>
> After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed
> during sex and that, according to her Grandmother, all Newfoundland
> women were entitled to a climax at least once in a while.
>
> To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there
> was no doctor anywhere on the Burin Peninsula.
>
> The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot
> summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having
> difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and
> make her relax.
>
> He told Stan and Aggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a
> big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said,
> would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
>
> The couple hired a strong young man from Port Aux Basques to wave that
> big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
>
> After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
> the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young
> man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.
>
> They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming,
> ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
> half hours.
>
> When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
> boasting voice said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin'
> towel!"

[tt11758]

            Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

            They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

            The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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            The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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            Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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            Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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            Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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            Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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            For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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            Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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            Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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            A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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            At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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            Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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            Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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            Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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            The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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            Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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            The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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            This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
            --------------------------
            Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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            The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
            --------------------------
            Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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            The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
            --------------------------
            Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
            --------------------------
            The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[ellis4538]

A  NICE CATHOLIC JOKE

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.


 

 After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...


 

 In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.


 

 "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.


 

 "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.


 

 The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.


 

 "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

[tt11758]

I was eating lunch today with my 14 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"

He said, "It's President's Day."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I was waiting for something profound.
 
He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and, if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two businessmen in  Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellingn' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well, only two left."

[Bill Stryker]

Ahkmed the Arab came to America from the  Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.   He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help  him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take  dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,  and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for  ten minutes. Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other  room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said,  'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?' The doctor  said .... 'You were  homesick'.   

[Sponsor]

[sledgemeister]

I dare any of you not to relate to this story somehow.....  I know I do.

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let's face it, to a 10yr old mouth-breather like myself, (ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can. Oh Shit.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 frickin' decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!

His hat has blown off and is 30ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

[Steyr M40A1]

simply awesome..

[sledgemeister]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

True story... got from a freind...
 
 
I was eating lunch last week with my 10 year old grandson when his mom
asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"
 
She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something
profound...
 
He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he
sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."
 
 
  I almost snorted my iced tea.
  

[crusader rabbit]

The Patient Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.  It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.  Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long.  Easy, boy."
 
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,  William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy."
 
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.  She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
 
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.  The little bastard's name is Kevin."