Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

A SWABBY JOKE:

The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to get over here.

'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

'George,' the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear'?

'Aye, aye, Chief!'

'Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name ?'

The new guy sighed and said, 'Darling. My name is George Darling, Chief!'

'Okay----------------- George, here's what I want you to do...'
 

[ericire12]

[PegLeg45]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

[Teresa Heilevang]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
 
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
  3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
  4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
  5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
  6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
  7. Feel better?
   
     GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
 

[tombogan03884]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
 
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
  3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
  4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
  5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
  6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
  7. Feel better?
  
     GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
 

ROFL 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
 
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
 
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


((( I know.. I know... That's so Bad... I should apologize...    . )))

*Marshal said I should put up a disclaimer on that one.. He just read it and shook his head and left the room. *  hahahaha

[ellis4538]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious ,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock...'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[Bill Stryker]

COWBOY CHILI

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in McAllen, TX. He sits at the

counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly

at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there

staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you

ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in

his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his

place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the

bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and

he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 

[MinotBob]

[RTFM]

^ ^ ^  Speachless every tiome I see that ^ ^ ^

My Joke:

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'