Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. 
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. 
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. 
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, uh, my wife Michelle, uh, will smell that, uh, and think I've been in a whorehouse'.   
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, friend, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[Bill Stryker]

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on
the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would retu rn the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know.  But today, they have their eyes open."






Just to be clear: I do not claim to be a Republican or a Democrat. But a good joke is a good joke.

[PegLeg45]

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle.

He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor.

While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man what he thought about Obama.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, that Obama's a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't really belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

[Bill Stryker]

>   > Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near
>   > the lake.
>   >
>   > The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I
>   > can't understand how
>   > you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age;
>   > we were the same size
>   > as kids. I just don't get it.'
>   >
>   > 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been
>   > eating?'
>   >
>   > 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
>   >
>   > 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
>   >
>   > 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot
>   > by the Capitol.'
>   >
>   > 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
>   >
>   > 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and
>   > wait for one to unlock
>   > the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake
>   > the shit out of
>   > them and eat 'em!'
>   >
>   > 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see
>   > your problem. You're not
>   > getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
>   > shaking the shit
>   > out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
>   > asshole and a briefcase.

[PegLeg45]

Now that was funny.....

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out,"some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky t-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Bill Stryker]

Teacher Application

THIS IS PRICELESS!!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect
said,

'Let me see if I've got this right:

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their
disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress
habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for
learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and
personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and
fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a
job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of
antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

'You want me to provide them with an equal education regard less of their
handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone,
newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin
board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for
food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me:


I CAN'T PRAY?




MMmmm, I probably should have posted this on one of the political threads. But it is a JOKE.

[Teresa Heilevang]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a
long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
 
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so
on.
 
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
 
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
 
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

[PegLeg45]

My appologies to you 'good democrats' in here:

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first  time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?  Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened..."

[PegLeg45]

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.

And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: ''Government.''