Classic joke thread...

[billt]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

At the Pub, John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of The Night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

[TAB]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

 He marched up to the counter and said,
 "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
 bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

 "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
 but you will also have, as part of your job, the
 assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

 The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
 You started it." .....

[crusader rabbit]

Ken was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife,  Carole, if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Carole agreed to go.

 While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.  When the manager was finished, Carole asked him, “How much is that faucet?”

 The manager replied, “That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”

 Carole exclaimed, “My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly out of my price range!”

 She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Ken had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled, “Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?

 Carole shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

 This is why you shouldn't send a woman to Home Depot.

 

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.  When  asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every  problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling  unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured  over the course of their marriage. 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.  The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “That is what your wife needs at least three times a week………Can you do this?”  The husband  thought for a moment and replied,……………….

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

Don't remember seeing this here...but if it was posted before, sorry for the repeat

[billt]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[ellis4538]

According to Forbes Magazine, Taylor Swift earned $170 million last year.  When H C heard this she commented, "I didn't know she gave speeches."


Another blonde joke....

A guy came into work the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.  Just then one of his co-workers, a blonde, came in and asked what he was doing.

"Shhh," he said, "I'm a light bulb....I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is somewhere I want to go!"

A minute later the boss walked in and asked him what he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" he exclaimed matter-of-factly. 

"Your going crazy," he said.  "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed."

With that he jumped down and started walking out.  The blonde started following and the boss asked where she thought she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said!

[Big Frank]

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the neighborhood watch program. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of my front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on eBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving the $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

In addition, I bought myself burkas to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security is hesitant to pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, i just say that I identify as a woman today.

Safe at last!

[TAB]

how do you know your girl friend is getting fat?




she fits into your wifes clothes.