Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

That is an exact list of Christmas presents my doctor(s) have given me to insure their cash flow.

At last count I am the sole provider of three pontoon boats, an African Safari, two motorcycles, half interest in a Cessna, and a lake cabin on the edge of the Boundary Waters.  Do you have any idea what a cut tendon in the finger costs when all you were trying to do was fix the wife's garage door?  I currently have an eight penny stainless steel finish nail in my dresser drawer.  Oh yea, and I can get you a copy of the x-ray of a broken toe (heavy hitch on a gravity box and some idiot put his foot under it), and I can still hear the chuckling voice saying "yup ... you broke it, but there is nothing we do for those ... do you have a cane or should I write a prescription" (same voice that is six feet under in oak).

However, it is well known and understood that the last doctor that told me I was fat and out of shape is buried in a real purdy casket, and I put him there.  I don't care if it's true ... I just don't need to hear if from someone I'm supporting!

[Teresa Heilevang]

A biker is  riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
Her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.   
 
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the
Nose with  a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
Letting go of  the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him  endlessly.
 
A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the  biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do  in my whole life.'
 
'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt  right.'
 
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on  the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do  you have?'
 
'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. '
 
The  journalist leaves.
 
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first  page:  BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS  HIS LUNCH

[Teresa Heilevang]

Beer Ad

[Teresa Heilevang]

Pretty much how it would be at this house.. 

[ellis4538]

Important Zen teachings

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

 2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 3. No one is listening until you fart.

 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.

 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.

[Bill Stryker]

Marshal,
This one is for you.
Of course it would be better in March. But . . . .


WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA

 
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.

 
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter.

 
Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.

 
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians).

 
Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.
 

But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".

 
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL".

 
So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota and the Dakotas ---- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.

[Marshal Halloway]

That was a good one.. 

On the subject of the Irish....

Irish Misunderstanding

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father barked at her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" said Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer dear old Dad a hug!"

[Teresa Heilevang]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good
time.
 Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?
Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel... !