Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

I never really did very well in school. I tried to apply myself, but it became apparent (not to me of course) that I was working with limited resources. Problems showed up early in grade school. I thought it was called 3rd grade because I passed after 3 attempts. But I made it through 4th grade on the second try, so I knew that wasn't right. Before that, I was in a special class. I thought it meant I was gifted, and it made me feel special. Back when we were learning colors, and how to put sentences together, my teacher told me to make a sentence using the word, "indigo". I stared at her like a deer in a car's headlights. I didn't know what indigo meant. She asked me again and after thinking about it I said, "In ten minutes, we fix indigo to lunch." Half of the class laughed at me. The rest looked at the clock and realized I was right (but it was 20 minutes, not 10). And so went my public edumacation for 17 years, until I finally gradjeated hi skool at age 23.

[alfsauve]

Without searching through all 575 pages I'm hoping this is the first time for this oldie-but-goodie.

ABBOTT:   Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:   Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO:   No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT:   Your computer?

COSTELLO:   I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO:   I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT:   What about Windows?

COSTELLO:   Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:   Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:   I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT:   Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:   Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:   Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:   No.  On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO:   Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:   I just did.

COSTELLO:   You just did what?

ABBOTT:   Recommend something.

COSTELLO:   You recommended something?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO:   For my office?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO:   OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO:   Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:   I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO:   I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO:   What word?

ABBOTT:   Word in Office.

COSTELLO:   The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:   Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT:   The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO:   I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that.  Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT:   Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO:   Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your  business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT:   Real One.

COSTELLO:   If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT:   Of course.

COSTELLO:   Great! With what?

ABBOTT:   Real One.

COSTELLO:   OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT:   You click the blue "1."

COSTELLO:   I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT:   The blue "1."

COSTELLO:   Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT:   The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO:   What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:   But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT:   No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO:   It is?

ABBOTT:   Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty  much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO:   And that word is real one?

ABBOTT:   Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of  Office.

COSTELLO:   STOP! Don't start that again.  What about financial
bookkeeping?    You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:   It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:   What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO:   I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT:   One copy.

COSTELLO:   Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:   Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO:   They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:   Why not? THEY OWN IT!

----------------------A FEW DAYS LATER . . ---------------------------------.

ABBOTT:   Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:   How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:   Click on "START"

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

I had to steal that one Alf!

[Rastus]

Yeah.  What Mr. Kennedy said.

[alfsauve]

A Texan on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and shouts over the noisy crowd " I hear you Irishmen are hella good drinkers . I'll give $500 to the first man who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back without stopping. " The room is quiet and not one man takes up the Texan on his offer.

Shortly afterwards one man leaves the bar and 20 minutes later comes back and taps the Texan on the shoulder and says " Excuse me sir , is your offer still good ?" The Texan answers " Well sure it is . Bartender , get this man his drinks." The bartender lines up 10 glasses of Guinness on the bar and immediately the Irishman tears into them . The crowd cheers as the Texan watches in amazement, and the Irishman finishes every glass back to back .

The Texan gladly pays him his $500 and says " If you don't mind me asking , where did you go when you left a little while ago ?" And the Irishman answers, " I went to the pub down the street to test if I could do it first . "

[Sponsor]

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

Keep em commin'. I am building my library!
 

[Big Frank]

I was going to say, I remember RealOne or RealOne Player. It turns out they still make it, but I haven't haven't had it installed for years. VLC Media Player will play just about any kind of audio or video file you can imagine. DVDs, Audio CDs, movies you download online, etc., with all different sorts of codecs, on Window, Mac, and Linux. 

https://www.real.com/

https://www.videolan.org/

Microsoft finally changed the start button on Windows 10 and 11 to a Windows symbol instead of the word Start. But if you hover your pointer over the "Window" it says Start. So, yes, you STILL click the Start button to turn it off, but it doesn't say Start on the button anymore.

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

Microsoft finally changed the start button on Windows 10 and 11 to a Windows symbol instead of the word Start. But if you hover your pointer over the "Window" it says Start. So, yes, you STILL click the Start button to turn it off, but it doesn't say Start on the button anymore.

If you like the older menu system there is a small (FREE) program that I run at work on over 100 computers called "Classic Shell". Easy to install. You can find it at:

"http://www.classicshell.net/downloads/"

I don't think they "support" it on Windows 11 it does run fine on 10 or 11. I (we) have been using it for over 3 years on 10 and 11 without ANY issue.

[Big Frank]

I've seen things like that where you can make your start menu, taskbar, and things look like Windows XP or whatever old version you liked. If it looks different now, I don't care, as long as it works. XP was the first thing I ever had, then I upgraded to Vista for free IIRC, then bought a Windows 7 computer when that one blew up. This computer was Windows 10 and I upgraded it to Windows 11, which is what my laptop already was. But my laptop won't upgrade past the 2022 version, and my desktop is the 2023 version. I don't get it. Maybe the laptop is too lame to update.

[alfsauve]

I learned to just roll with it.  Been quad lingual, DOS, Windows, MAC and Unix, since each come out.   (I remember Windows 1.0 was a shell just to run Harvard Graphics  which was one of the first presentation software).  Actually there were many more opsys's over the years running on micros, minis and mainframes, but they're long since passed into oblivion, e.g., OS2.   Of course back in the '90s I had 11 computers running at my house, including an SQL server and a web server among others.  Down to 3 full blown computers(1 MAC & 2 Win), 2 tablets (1ea iPad & MS), and 5 Arduinos.

I think MS does a better job in backward compatibility.    On my office computer running Win10, I'm still running 17 year old versions of some programs.  Actually almost 40 years old if you count ADVENTURE.