Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.  The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.  She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[Bill Stryker]

A bit of Auto Show humor from the Detroit Auto Show. It was sent to my GM friends by an ex-Ford employee.

I stopped by the Ford Motor exhibit today, for a look at the new  models and concept vehicles.
> Just for fun, I sat behind the wheel of a full-sized model to sense  that new "feel" before they become extinct...
>
> The salesman (an African American was wearing an Obama 'change' lapel  pin) approached and leaned against the passenger door describing all  its "wonderful" options. He mentioned the seats were of particular  interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt  in the winter and directed cool air to your butt on those hot summer  Michigan days.
>
> Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that it must of been  designed and engineered by a Republican for this vehicle.
>
> Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was Republican engineered?
>
> I explained that if it were engineered by a Democrat, the seats would  blow smoke up
> your ass year-round.
>
> He walked away... Damn guy had no sense of humor.....

[tt11758]

Subject: Today's Winter Travelling Tip...

Last night the television station broadcast a warning saying that
anyone travelling in icy weather conditions should take:

A shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing,  including scarf hat and gloves
24 hrs supply of food
5 kgs of rock salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road flares and reflective triangles
Tow rope, 5 gallon can of gas
First aid kit, and jump leads


I looked like a complete dork on the bus this morning!

[tombogan03884]

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane
trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl
but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I
gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and
I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna
find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is
goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey
can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties......'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends,
you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause
if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da

black box first.'

[ratcatcher55]

From Johnstown PA....



It's winter in Pennsylvania



And the gentle breezes blow



Seventy miles an hour at twenty-five below.



Oh, how I love Pennsylvania



When the snow's up to your butt



You take a breath of winter



And your nose gets frozen shut.



Yes, the weather here is wonderful



So I guess I'll hang around



I could never leave Pennsylvania



'Cause I'm frozen to the ground



Go Steelers!

[Sponsor]

[RTFM]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."

[Big Frank]

Groan...

[sledgemeister]

Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa
opposite her husband.

At strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God, he responded, I thought you were sitting on the cat."



He never heard the gunshot.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Sledge.....
OMG.. that made me laugh so hard..



A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she         
could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a   
bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the     
fire......                                                                 
                                                                           
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowling," she said. 
                                                                           
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....                   
                                                                           
After her husband had gone to the bowling ally for his bowling  match, the
woman Filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was         
surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned   
this to her                                                               
husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:             
                                                                           
"Next Monday, don't go to bowling. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so     
that you can see for yourself.."                                           
                                                                           
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife     
asked: "Do you shave?"                                                     
                                                                           
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do   
you have hair?"                                                           
                                                                           
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.             
                                                                           
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did   
you see it?"                                                               
                                                                           
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."         
                                                                           
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."                             
                                                                           
"I know," he said, "but the bowling team hadn't!!"                         

[Teresa Heilevang]

Tools Explained  
 DRILL PRESS:    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.  

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.  
It's coupled with a community service project I am working on.  
There is no need to send me a thank you note