Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night
recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in
his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in
the West.  The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?"
he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out
his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster
where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood
up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off
the piano player  "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin'
somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the
saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of
the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the
gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done
playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass,
and it won't hurt as much."

[philw]

The Latest Toy

is this wrong?


The latest toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says, because no one has the balls to pull the cord

[philw]

What do you get when stick human DNA into a goat?.......
Banned from the petting Zoo!


Bought the Misses a memory stick, it great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating


A priest gets shot and is rushed to hospital, on the way to the operating theater he whispers to the nurse "Am I in heaven?"
Nurse says "No we're just taking a short cut to through the childrens ward"   

Daughter just walked in and said "Cancell my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door & car keys off me and kick me out of the house"......
Well, she didn't actually put it like that she said "Dad, say hello to Mohamed"!

A lesbo collapses after chowin down on over fifteen other women in under two hours!
It's believed she over dosed on crack....


My misses is pretty thick, every thing goes over here head.....
Fortunately so do both her feet so we're still good

[JC5123]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

 

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.  On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

 

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

 

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.  I don't know what to do.

 

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

[tt11758]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.


He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot.  You're on my side".

 

 

[TAB]

i'm sure there is a joke in that pic some where.

[philw]

Prostate Examination Thai Style.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health  Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.


"I haven't got an erection" said the man.


"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[kmitch200]

Ewwwwwww!!! 

[FillYerHands]

Yuck.  I now feel the universe and I are square for the whole "Sinko de Mayo" thing.