Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1368465 times)

tt11758

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2150 on: July 18, 2009, 03:39:06 PM »
Three little ducks go into a bar...............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out
of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
I love waking up every morning knowing that Donald Trump is President!!

tt11758

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2151 on: July 18, 2009, 03:43:27 PM »
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…

 
  

....... .. … … ..   …..
.. .  . …    .   .     . .   .  .. . ..  ….   .. .. . …    ..
...  ... .. ... .. ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
..     .  .  … .. .   . .  ..
... . .... ...  .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... .... ..... ..... .. . . ....  ....
. ..     .
.   .      ..   . .          .               ...
....... ... ... ... .. .. ....... ... .. .... ...  ... .... ....
.  .. .. .
.. ....
..  .        .       .  .  . .. .. … ..
..  .... .. ... .. .......  ......  .....


 

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. ..  .  .  . .. .. … .. .. . ....  ....”  
I love waking up every morning knowing that Donald Trump is President!!

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2152 on: July 19, 2009, 05:56:43 PM »
OK, so when did we start talking in code?   Huh? There isn't even a note on the fridge in the corner. Come on guys, guy rules here!!

Jeesh!  :-\

I have got to get back to work to get my brain restarted . . . .

Sorry Path  :-[

I've never had a female type person say F*** You where it was an offer.  In fact, is was usually pretty clear that it was a threat.
If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

tt11758

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2153 on: July 20, 2009, 11:24:09 AM »
Sorry Path  :-[

I've never had a female type person say F*** You where it was an offer.  In fact, is was usually pretty clear that it was a threat.

Or a challenge.   ;D
I love waking up every morning knowing that Donald Trump is President!!

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2154 on: July 20, 2009, 04:35:52 PM »
        Subject: Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past.

         
         

         
         
         
         
        They have always been beyond my means but I took out a Cadillac Escalade last week for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct.
         



         
        The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options.
        The seats were of particular interest.
        He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

        I stated the car must be a Republican car.

        He asked why I thought it was a Republican car.

        I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass. ;D ;D

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2155 on: Today at 06:55:46 PM »

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2155 on: July 21, 2009, 10:38:14 AM »
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2156 on: July 21, 2009, 10:42:11 AM »
The pharmacist fainted.  ;D ;D

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2157 on: July 21, 2009, 11:15:32 AM »
Special for FQ  ;D



        If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?

        If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the non-existent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?

        If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current on their income taxes, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the fourth of May (Cuatro de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?

        If George W. Bush had mis-spelled the word advice would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoe as "proof" of what a dunce he is?

        If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on "Earth Day", would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?

        If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually "get" what happened on 9-11?

        If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a teleprompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?

        If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans, would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?

        If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have Approved?

        If George W.. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?

        So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He's done all this in 5 months -- so you'll have three years and seven months to come up with an answer. 

         




Steyr M40A1

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2158 on: July 21, 2009, 01:17:21 PM »
There just pissed that they cant blame Bush anymore.
Richard Cook

"Keep your booger hook off the bang switch" -Babj615 Steyrclub.com

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." Benjamin Franklin

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2159 on: July 21, 2009, 08:40:55 PM »
The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

 

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