Classic joke thread...

[Bic]

How Irish dancing really got started:

http://videos2view.net/irish-dance.htm

[Big Frank]

I was doing that dance last night while watching TV. I almost made it to the commercial break before I ran to the bathroom.

[Majer]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Big Frank]

 

[Big Frank]

The madam opened the brothel door in Montreal and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
 
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
 
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
 
Where are you from?"
 
The man replied, " Toronto ."
 
"Really," she said. "I have family in Toronto."
 
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
 
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:


1. Death
 
2. Taxes; and
 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45.....with a 7 round magazine.....plus one in the chamber and yelled............

"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

 A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

This is just another example of why you need high-capacity magazines.

[tombogan03884]

Go Glock or don't marry a slut, either would work.
 

[Big Frank]

 

[Majer]

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
 
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up
from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
 
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight t when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on to the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
 

[PegLeg45]

A hillbilly woman was terribly overweight, so the doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.

"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

She nodded. "I'll tell you though, doc, I thought I was gonna drop slap dead by tha end o' dat third day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that danged skippin'."