Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

35 years old and still living at home. No wonder she's still single. 

[MikeBjerum]

 


FAST SEX !


 
Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with  this  really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else.

 
 
One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said

I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

 
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

 
 
Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

 
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

 
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

 
She agreed and accepts the proposal.

 
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

 
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

 

 
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
 
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:
 
"Send me your mother..."

[Fatman]

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target and pulled the trigger three times. Again, he scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd, "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies

[Big Frank]

Hallmark moment.

[Sponsor]

[MinotBob]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response
except from Chandrasekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Indians!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little &$#*. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, "Oh &$#*, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people,
November 4, 2008."

[Grizzle_Bear]

I have been noticing that we are getting a lot of repeat jokes on this thread.

I suggest that newcomers read the ENTIRE thread before posting.  It would be best to do this in small pieces, as reading the entire thread in a single sitting could lead to a fatal level of jocularity.

I would like to further suggest that Marshalette number all the jokes.  That way we can be like the old story of the guys in jail, where one would yell out something like "Fourtyseven!" and everyone would laugh, knowing the joke already.  In this manner, any further repeat jokes on the thread could be replaced with a number, with a great saving in time and bandwidth for all of us.

Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

Your truly;

Grizzle Bear

 

[Hazcat]

I nominate Grizzle Bear to review the entire thread, remove duplicates and number the jokes! 

[mudman]

+1

[PegLeg45]

I nominate Grizzle Bear to review the entire thread, remove duplicates and number the jokes! 

I second the nomination......all in favor send .44 mag ammo to me.............