Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1365879 times)

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5370 on: January 08, 2021, 11:28:57 AM »
Not really a joke but I like it!

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery when he suddenly remembered dying and realized the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight. Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.

He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out:

'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked 'Can I bring my partners, too?'

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.

After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'

'How about my friends here?' The traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.

'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.

The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.
When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.
'
'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'

'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind ...'
(~~author unknown~~)
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5371 on: January 08, 2021, 11:41:48 AM »
I like this "Blond" joke.
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5372 on: January 08, 2021, 11:45:20 AM »
JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT"

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a
cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot
tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
"On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength
come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he
raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of backflips out the
door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5373 on: January 08, 2021, 11:48:22 AM »
For those of you, if any, that own a cat!
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5374 on: January 08, 2021, 11:49:35 AM »
Last one for a while. For those of you that are married and older. Has this happened to you YET???
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5375 on: Today at 10:19:19 AM »

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5375 on: January 08, 2021, 11:58:48 AM »
Found one more. Stolen from FB.

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5376 on: January 09, 2021, 01:22:15 AM »
Found one more. Stolen from FB.

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

 :) Depending on who the nurse was I'd have a smile on my face too.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5377 on: January 09, 2021, 01:44:49 AM »
Time for some memes. The first one reminds me of Yakov Smirnoff, if anyone knows who he is.

Did you know True Value Hardware Store sells KeyMod Handguards?

I call the last pic Meat Donald Trump. ;D
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5378 on: January 09, 2021, 02:08:15 AM »
I wanted a new pair of loafers but didn't have the bread for them. ::)
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5379 on: January 09, 2021, 02:35:32 AM »
I don't know what kind of wood this is but it looks like slices of bacon. And what goes with bacon? Eggs? Cake? Cake and eggs?
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

 

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