Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

 
The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."
 
 
The little piggy said "F..k off or I'll sneeze on you..."

[mosbear]

This joke was stolen from M&P forum.


A man is sitting in a bar in San Angelo , Texas when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She's a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it, this is Obama country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."

[ellis4538]

THE HAIRCUT AND IMPORTANT LESSON
 
 
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' 
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, The barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.'  The congressman was very happy and left
the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[Bill Stryker]

ellis
The sad part of that joke is that it is all too true.

[TAB]

The Duck is Dead
>
>
> A woman
> brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
> As she laid
> her pet on the table, the vet pulled out
> his stethoscope and listened to
> the bird's
> chest.
>
> After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
> sadly and said, "I'm sorry,
> your duck, Cuddles, has
> passed away."
>
> The distressed woman wailed, "Are you
> sure?"
>
> "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied
>
> the vet.
>
> "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
> you haven't done any
> testing on him or anything. He might
> just be in a coma or something."
>
> The vet rolled his eyes,
> turned around and left the room.
>
> He returned a few
> minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
> duck's
> owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
> legs, put
> his front paws on the examination table and
> sniffed the duck from top to
> bottom. He then looked up at the
> vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
> The vet
> patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
>
> A
> few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat
> jumped on
> the table and
> also delicately sniffed the bird from
> head to foot. The cat sat back on its
> haunches, shook its
> head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
>
> The vet
> looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I
> said,
> 20 this is
> most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
> duck."
>
> The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
> keys and produced a bill,
> which he handed to the
> woman.
>
> The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
> "$150!" she cried, "$150
> just to tell me my duck is
> dead!"
>
> The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just
> taken my word for it, the bill
> would have been $20, but with
> the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's
> now
> $150."

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

And so it starts:

Farrah Fawcett arrives at Heaven.
 
After entering the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomes Farrah and tells her she can have one wish granted for her long suffering. Without hesitation she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!
 
Back on earth at that very moment, Michael Jackson dropped dead.
 
Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone good to make a pitch for him to God.
 
Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him...


Poor taste. I am so ashamed.

[long762range]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[PegLeg45]

This is an Incredible story...........

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, held it a while, and then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter way back in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.






Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[ellis4538]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the
hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No,
I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What
in tarnation is a
taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[Bill Stryker]

Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday...
 
It contained watermelon seeds, Cornbread mix, and Ten coupons to KFC.
 
 
Directions were in Spanish.