Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

This was in an email I received. It is a joke. So, I am posting it here. But maybe it belongs on the Politics thread.


In Texas, a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was     
running away with her purse. He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was   
left holding just the gun.                                                                                                                           

When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied "Because when I pulled the trigger   
the 7th time, it only went click."                                                                                                                   

She was acquitted of all charges because that's the way it is in Texas and the way it should be everywhere.                                         

Damn straight!!!

[Majer]

What does God and obama have in common?








Neither of them can produce a birth certificate

[Hazcat]

The madam opened the brothel door in Duluth & saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.



'May I help you sir?' she asked.  'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else', said the madam.



'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared & announced to
the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out
$5,000 & gave it to Valerie, & they went upstairs.



After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once
more demanding to see

Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back 2 nights in a row as
she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.



Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, & they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night, the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for a 3rd consecutive night, but he paid Valerie & they went upstairs..



After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me 3
nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.



The man replied, ' Minneapolis '. 'Really', she said. 'I have family in
Minneapolis .'



'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, & I am her attorney. She asked me to
give you your $15,000 inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain:



1. Death



2. Taxes



3. Being screwed by a lawyer....

[tt11758]

What does God and obama have in common?








Neither of them can produce a birth certificate

What's the difference between God and Obama?








God doesn't think he's Obama.   

[Majer]

Health Advice For Women

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HAZaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
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Side effects may include:

- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

- Erotic lustfulness

- Loss of motor control

- Loss of clothing

- Loss of money

- Loss of virginity

- Loss of bladder control

- Attraction to ugly men

- Table dancing

- Headache

- Dehydration

- Dry mouth

- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
..................................................................
I stayed at a Holiday Inn, it must be true laugh.gif

[Sponsor]

[True_Texan]

Great T-shirt:

[bjc1369]

Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers.  Nope.  There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT).  There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor.  When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.

These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch.  They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year.  IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need.  Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.

Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten.  As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.

IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified.  CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever.  It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.

It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.

[tombogan03884]

Why is this considered a joke ? It should be in politics as it sums up the last election perfectly. If it wasn't for the "No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS)" acronym  I would be crying, not laughing.  

[tt11758]

Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers.  Nope.  There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT).  There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor.  When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.

These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch.  They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year.  IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need.  Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.

Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten.  As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.

IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified.  CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever.  It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.

It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.

Ok, so where's the joke?

[mudman]

Jokes  on the ABI NORMAL A$$HOLE$    U S